


The Tragedy of Johamlet

by kiwisandwich (panconkiwi)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Comedy, M/M, Pining, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26572876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panconkiwi/pseuds/kiwisandwich
Summary: Or, A Comedy About A Tragedy, in five acts.Avi doesn't care for Shakespeare, or theatre in general. But when he meets the lead for Moonlight Theatre's upcoming Hamlet play, suddenly the idea of acting doesn't sound so bad. Nevermind he doesn't even know what Hamlet is about.
Relationships: Avi/Johann (The Adventure Zone), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	The Tragedy of Johamlet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Loafwins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loafwins/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Alice! She's the mind behind the AU, I just wrote this fic as a present. Anything remotely intellectual you find was her idea ~~(and sometimes exact words copypasted from Discord).~~ Check her [art](https://loafwins.tumblr.com/), but if you ship Johavi, you probably already have.
> 
> This is my first time writing in script format, so apologies in advance if there's too many descriptions. Or not enough? Also, formatting this from Scrivener to AO3 was a bitch, so apologies for that too.
> 
> Special thanks to [Hannah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/1CARU5/pseuds/1CARU5) and [Devin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boldlygoingnowherefast) for their help in the making of this fic.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

**JOHANN** : Hamlet. A melancholic violinist with a passion for Shakespeare.

**AVI** : Horatio. Hopelessly in love with **JOHANN**. Makes rash decisions.

**DAVENPORT** : Stage Director. Good mood inversely proportional to closeness to release date.

**JOHN** : Claudius. Enjoys being a villain a little too much.

**LUCRETIA** : Gertrude. Really into Shakespearean theory, not so much the practice.

**MERLE** : Polonius. Just in it for a fun time.

**CAREY** : Ophelia. Actually a good actress.

**MAGNUS** : Laertes. He likes fighting people.

**TAAKO** : Guildenstern. **LUP** 's brother. Looking for trouble.

**LUP** : Rosencratz. **TAAKO** 's sister. If she can't find it, she will create it.

**BARRY** : The Ghost. **LUP** 's husband. Practices his spooky voice at home.

**KRAVITZ** : Fortinbras. Has a flair for the dramatic.

**PLAYERS** : **LUCIAN** , **SCALES** and **TANZER**. Guards, jesters, actors within an act.

**KILLIAN** : Crew woman. **AVI** 's friend

ACT 1 SCENE 1

THE LIGHTS ON THE STAGE OF MOONLIGHT THEATRE FLICKER ON. **AVI** AND **KILLIAN** WALK IN CARRYING A STEPLADDER.

**AVI** : Which one are we supposed to fix, again?

**KILLIAN** : The stage director wanted all the lights on before auditions.

**AVI** : All the lights? Wouldn't they need just one?

**KILLIAN** : What?

**AVI** : You know, to point at people when they're on the stage, saying, 'To be or not to be' while they hold a skull.

**KILLIAN** : You're thinking of a circus.

**AVI** : I'm pretty sure they do that in theatre too!

**KILLIAN** : Either way, these are just auditions, I think they want possible actors to not trip on their way here.

**AVI** SCOFFS.

**KILLIAN** : Stop complaining, it's three lights.

**AVI** : I'm not complaining... It's just that we're close to the end of the shift. Asking people to do things just as they are about to leave is cheating.

**KILLIAN** : You have something important after this? I was thinking about going for drinks.

**AVI** : Nah, I'm just petty. And you know I'm never too busy for drinks.

**KILLIAN** : You're never busy.

**AVI** : So I can always go out for drinks.

**AVI** AND **KILLIAN** SET THE STEPLADDER AGAINST THE RAIL.

**AVI** : (HOLDS THE BOTTOM OF THE LADDER) Ladies first.

**KILLIAN** : (SARCASTIC) My, what a gentleman. (CLIMBS UP THE LADDER)

WHILE **KILLIAN** IS UP FIXING THE LIGHT, **CREWMAN** ENTERS THE STAGE.

**CREWMAN** : I just got a call from Davenport, they'll be here in ten minutes. Have all the lights working by then.

**AVI** : You got it, boss.

**KILLIAN** : (STEPS DOWN) What was that?

**AVI** : The stage director is coming, so chop chop! We need to get to the other lights.

**KILLIAN** : I'm coming, I'm coming, jeez. (GETS ON THE FLOOR) And you don't repeat any of the stupid theatre shit you said earlier, I don't want to lose my pay.

**AVI** : (PRETENDS TO BE OFFENDED) Excuse _me_ for not being a theatre connoisseur like you.

**KILLIAN** : (ROLLS HER EYES) I'm serious, theatre people are intense, especially the Shakespeare ones. And _especially_ the Hamlet ones.

**AVI** AND **KILLIAN** MOVE THE STEPLADDER TO THE NEXT LIGHT.

**AVI** : I can imagine. Isn't that the one where a dude falls in love with a skeleton or something? Sounds pretty intense.

**KILLIAN** : No, that's- (PAUSE) What? No. What?

**AVI** : Look, all I know about Shakespeare is what I've absorbed through popular media.

**KILLIAN** : I really want to know what media you're consuming that made you arrive to that conclusion. Didn't you have to read it in school?

**AVI** : I read Othello, and even my knowledge of that is pretty spotty. So Hamlet's not a tragic love story?

**KILLIAN** : I mean, it's not _about_ that, but sure. The love interest is not a skeleton, though.

**AVI** : Then who is it?

**KILLIAN** : (THINKS) Horatio.

**AVI** : (PAUSE) Isn't that a man's name?

**KILLIAN** : Yep.

**AVI** : Huh. Shakespeare really was ahead of his time.

**KILLIAN** : (LAUGHS TO HERSELF) Well, I'm glad we had this conversation. (HOLDS THE STEPLADDER) So please don't ask any more dumb questions when the director gets here.

**AVI** : (GETS ON THE LADDER) I think I know all I need about Shakespeare now.

**KILLIAN** : Good, now chop chop!

**AVI** : Ha, ha. I deserve that.

**AVI** CLIMBS TO THE TOP, TURNS ON THE LIGHT, THEN CLIMBS DOWN.

**AVI** : That only leaves one!

**KILLIAN** : And you were complaining.

**AVI** : Was not. (MOVES THE STEPLADDER UNDER THE LAST LIGHT) Alright, go ahead. Let's get this over and go for those drinks.

**KILLIAN** : (CROSSES HER AEMS) Why don't you go? You're the one in a hurry to leave.

**AVI** : Well, I just did the last one, so...

**KILLIAN** : Oh, so that was your plan.

**AVI** : (INNOCENT) I don't know what you're talking about. I never plan for anything, I'm a free spirit.

**KILLIAN** : Really? And offering to hold the stepladder for me at the first light, knowing they're an odd number, was just a fortunate coincidence?

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) Alright, you got me. (GESTURES) How about we settle this the old fashioned way?

THEY PLAY ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS. **KILLIAN** WINS.

**AVI** : (SIGHS) Fine. (CLIMBS UP)

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS, HOLDING A STOOL.

**DAVENPORT** : Ah! Good work, guys! This place looks in top shape.

**AVI** : Thank you, sir! Sorry for the delay, I'm just about to turn on the last light.

**DAVENPORT** : That's alright, young man! You're in the perfect place. Could I ask you to stay there and man the lights while I get a feeling for the place?

**AVI** : (SIGHS) No problem, boss.

**KILLIAN** : This is what the kids call karma.

**AVI** : Shush.

**DAVENPORT** : Now, Johann, if you could do us the honor.

**JOHANN** ENTERS. HE'S SLOUCHING, AND HIS HAIR COVERS HALF OF HIS FACE. **AVI** FOLLOWS HIM WITH HIS GAZE ALL THE WAY TO THE CENTER OF THR STAGE.

**JOHANN** : So do I just go for it?

**DAVENPORT** : The floor is yours, my boy.

**DAVENPORT** PLACES THE STOOL ON THE FLOOR AND SITS.

**JOHANN** : Alright, cool. (STANDS UP STRAIGH). _To be, or not to be? That is the question--_

_Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer_

_The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,_

_Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,_

_And, by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep--_

_No more--and by a sleep to say we end_

_The heartache and the thousand natural shocks_

_That flesh is heir to--'tis a consummation_

_Devoutly to be wished! To die, to sleep._

_To sleep, perchance to dream--ay, there's the rub,_

_For in that sleep of death what dreams may come_

_When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,_

_Must give us pause. There's the respect_

_That makes calamity of so long life._

PAUSE.

Do I go on?

**DAVENPORT** : That was enough for now. Superb acting, by the way.

**JOHANN** : (SLOUCHES) Cool. Thanks.

**DAVENPORT** : But I think we're going to need more light at the center of the stage. Young man what's your name?

**AVI** : (MESMERIZED) Yeah... (CLEARS THROAT) I mean, sorry, come again?

**DAVENPORT** : I was asking for your name.

**AVI** : Oh! I'm Avi!

**DAVENPORT** : Avi, could you please point your light to our Hamlet here?

**AVI** : Right away!

**AVI** MOVES THE LIGHT.

**DAVENPORT** : And if it's not too much trouble, could you move this light here too?

**AVI** : No prob!

**AVI** REACHES QUICKLY THE BOTTOM OF THE STEPLADDER.

**KILLIAN** : (AMUSED) No prob?

**AVI** : Shush.

**AVI** MOVES THE STEPLADDER IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE, STOPPING BRIEFLY BEFORE **JOHANN**.

**AVI** : Hi!

**JOHANN** : Hey.

**AVI** RUNS THE REST OF THE WAY AND CLIMBS TO THE TOP, THEN MOVES THE LIGHT.

**DAVENPORT** : Now we're talking! Finish your monologue.

**JOHANN** : (STRAIGHTENS UP) _For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,_

_Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,_

_The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,_

_The insolence of office, and the spurns_

_That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,_

_When he himself might his quietus make_

_With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,_

_To grunt and sweat under a weary life,_

_But that the dread of something after death,_

_The undiscovered country from whose bourn_

_No traveler returns, puzzles the will_

_And makes us rather bear those ills we have_

_Than fly to others that we know not of?_

_Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,_

_And thus the native hue of resolution_

_Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,_

_And enterprises of great pith and moment_

_With this regard their currents turn awry,_

_And lose the name of action._

**DAVENPORT** : (APPLAUDS) Excellent! Now we're all set up for the auditions in an hour. Shall we eat?

**JOHANN** : (SLOUCHING) Yes, please, I'm starving.

**DAVENPORT** AND **JOHANN** EXIT. **AVI** 'S GAZE FOLLOWS.

**AVI** : (LEANS AGAINST THE RAIL AND SIGHS) Wow.

**KILLIAN** : Avi?

**AVI** : Hm?

**KILLIAN** : You gonna get down any time soon?

**AVI** : What? (LOOKS DOWN) Oh! Yeah, one second! (CLIMBS DOWN)

**KILLIAN** : And I thought you didn't like theatre.

**AVI** : You know, Shakespeare is a lot cooler than they make it to be in popular media.

**KILLIAN** : Uh-huh. I suppose it has nothing to do with the cute emo guy monologuing.

**AVI** : Ha, ha, what? I have no idea what you're talking about.

**KILLIAN** : (SHAKES HER HEAD) Whatever you say. Come on, I'm thirsty after seeing you run so much.

**AVI** : Oh, sorry, I can't go for drinks today.

**KILLIAN** : What? You just said you were free.

**AVI** : Not anymore. I have to get ready for an audition.

**AVI** EXITS.

**KILLIAN** : What?!

**KILLIAN** FOLLOWS AFTER.

THE LIGHTS TURN OFF.

ACT 1 SCENE 2

THE CENTER OF THE STAGE LIGHTS UP. **MERLE** IS AT THE CENTER. HE'S DRESSED AS A FRIAR AND HOLDS A POTTED PLANT (POSSIBLY A MINT) IN ONE HAND.

**MERLE** : (DRAMATIC) _Oh, mickle is the powerful grace that lies in herbs, plants, stones, and their true qualities. For naught so vile that on the earth doth live but to the earth some special good doth give. Nor aught so good but, strained from that fair use revolts from true birth, stumbling on abuse. Virtue itself turns vice, being misapplied, and vice sometime by action dignified. Within the infant rind of this small flower poison hath residence and medicine power. For this, being smelt, with that part cheers each part; being tasted, stays all senses with the heart. Two such opposed kings encamp them still, in man as well as herbs--grace and rude will. And where the worser is predominant, full soon the canker death eats up that plant._

PAUSE.

THE STAGE LITS UP. **DAVENPORT** AND **JOHANN** SIT ON THE SIDE.

**MERLE** : Thank you for your attention. (BOWS HOLDING THE PLANT HIGH)

**DAVENPORT** : (APPLAUDS) Amazing skill! And I admire your commitment to the role.

**MERLE** : Well, when one auditions for Hamlet, he can't _Ham_ fist it.

**JOHANN** GROANS LOUDLY.

**DAVENPORT** : (LAUGHS) Thank you for your audition.

**MERLE** BOWS DRAMATICALLY, THEN EXITS.

**DAVENPORT** : He said he's auditioning for Polonius. What do you think, Johann?

**JOHANN** : I hope he gets the role so I can accidentally kill him.

**DAVENPORT** : (OBLIVIOUS) Yes, that will be a very dramatic scene!

**JOHANN** : (STANDS UL) Yeah, anyway, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

**DAVENPORT** : Wait! We have one more audition.

**JOHANN** : Wasn't Highchurch the last in our list?

**DAVENPORT** : Someone came to me just moments ago!

**JOHANN** : (SIGHS AND SITS DOWN) Alright, fine.

**DAVENPORT** : He seemed really excited about it, so I couldn't say no. It seems your earlier performance really inspired him.

**JOHANN** : (CONFUSED) What?

**AVI** ENTERS. HE'S STILL IN HIS WORK CLOTHES. HE HOLDS A BROOM IN ONE HAND AND A BOOK IN THE OTHER.

**AVI** : Hi! I'm Avi and I'm auditioning for the role of Horatio!

**JOHANN** : (SITS ON THE EDGE OF HIS SEAT) Huh.

**DAVENPORT** : Whenever you're ready, young man!

**AVI** : Alright.

**AVI** CLEARS HIS THROAT. STANDS UP STRAIGHT. CLEARS HIS THROAT.

**DAVENPORT** : Everything okay?

**AVI** : (VOICE CRACKS) Yes! (CLEARS THROAT) Okay, I'm ready.

**DAVENPORT** GESTURES FOR **AVI** TO START.

THE LIGHT IN THE STAGE DIMS. **AVI** IS THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

**AVI** : (SWINGS BROOM) _LOOK! I HAVE A WEAPON!_

**JOHANN** : Oh, god.

**AVI** : _The best sword a soldier could have! I've fought my way through obstacles twenty times more terrifying than you with this-_ (SWINGS BROOM) - _weapon._

_But who can control his fate? I'm not like that now. Don't be afraid, even though you see me with a_ (SWINGS BROOM, INSISTENTLY) _weapon._

(TRAGIC) _This is the end of my journey, the end of my life. Are you backing away in fear? There's no reason to be afraid. You could tap me with a feather and I'd back away. Where would Othello go?_ (ENDEARING) _Oh, look at you!_... Wait, no, sorry. (ANGRY) _Oh, look at you! Such cruel luck! You're as pale as your nightgown!_

_When we meet on Judgment Day, that look of yours will send me from heaven to hell, where..._ (READS FROM BOOK) _... devils will grab me! You're cold, cold, and you were never hot with,_ um _,_ _lust._

_Oh you damned villain! Whip me, you devils, so I don't have to look at this heavenly sight! (ANGRY) Blow on me with hot winds,_ (ANGRIER) _roast me in lava, (ANGRIEST) DROWN ME IN LIQUID FIRE!_

(KNEELS) _Oh, Desdemona!_ (TRAGIC) _Dead Desdemona! Oh, oh!_

PAUSE. LIGHTS TURNS BACK ON.

**DAVENPORT** : (SPEECHLESS)

**JOHANN** : (SPEECHLESS)

**AVI** : (STUTTERING) So, yeah. (STANDS UP AND BOWS) Thank you.

**AVI** EXITS.

**DAVENPORT** : Well, what do you think?

**JOHANN** : (THINKS) I think he was the only one auditioning for Horatio.

**DAVENPORT** : Then that's it for today!

CURTAIN

ACT 2 SCENE 1

THE STAGE IS FULL WITH ACTIVITY AS THE **ACTORS** ROAM AROUND.

**AVI** ENTERS THE STAGE.

**AVI** : (TAKING IT ALL IN) Alright, Avi, this might not be the dumbest thing you've done in your life, but it's getting up there. Look at all these people! They're so professional!

**MAGNUS** RUSHES IN FRONT OF **AVI** WITH A FOAM SWORD. HITS **TAAKO** ON THE HEAD WITH IT.

**TAAKO** : Ouch! Magnus, what the fuck!

**MAGNUS** : I challenge thee to a duel!

**TAAKO** : Go bother someone else!

**MAGNUS** : Art thou a coward?!

**CAREY** : (SHOUTING FROM THE OTHER END OF THE STAGE) Ho! Picketh on someone thy owneth sizeth!

**MAGNUS** : Ha, ha, you called me a hoe.

**MAGNUS** GOES AFTER **CAREY** AND THEY RUN AROUND THE STAGE.

**AVI** : (AMUSED) Alright, maybe this is not as big of a deal as I thought. (BREATHES IN AND OUT) You can do this, Avi, you got the role already. How hard can it be getting his number?

**MERLE** : Are you monologuing?

**AVI** : (NERVOUS LAUGH) Ha, ha, what? Me? I'm just, you know, standing here, being normal.

**MERLE** PATS **AVI** ON THE BACK.

**MERLE** : You can't fool me, son, I know a newbie's jitters when I see them. Why, I was a newbie myself not long ago!

**AVI** : (SURPRISED) Oh! Well, yes! This is my first time in a theatre play. The truth is, I'm not really an actor? I have a hard time telling even white lies.

**MERLE** : Ah, yes, I know how you feel. But, trust me, son, everyone has the potential to be a great actor. All you need to act is emotions. You have those, right?

**AVI** : Yeah. Yes. That's a very weird question? I have so many emotions.

**JOHANN** ENTERS THE STAGE. HE'S LOOKING AT HIS PHONE, NOT ACKNOWLEDGING ANYONE. **AVI** SPOTS HIM RIGHT AWAY.

Hi!

**JOHANN** : (BRIEFLY LOOKS AWAY FROM HIS PHONE) Hey. (KEEPS WALKING)

**AVI** : Ha, ha, yeah...

**MERLE** : Working on those emotions I see.

**AVI** : (NERVOUS LAUGH) HA, HA, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS THE STAGE, HOLDING A STACK OF PAPER FOLDERS.

**DAVENPORT** : Good evening, all, and welcome all to The Bureau of Drama.

**DAVENPORT** APPLAUDS. EVERYONE SLOWLY JOINS IN.

It doesn't matter if this is your first play or you're an experienced performer. From today on, you are all actors! And I expect you to _act_ (WINKS) as such. Just because we're an amateur company, doesn't mean we can't have a high quality performance!

**MAGNUS** : (CHEERING) Hell yeah!

**DAVENPORT** : (TO **MAGNUS** ) Yes, that's exactly the attitude I want to see in you guys! Why don't you introduce yourself to the rest of the crew?

**MAGNUS** : Hey all! I'm Magnus, and I'll be playing (MAKES A POSE WITH THE SWORD) Laertes!

APPLAUSE.

**DAVENPORT** : Good, good! Let's get the presentations rolling! (POINTS AT **CAREY** ) Come on, go on. Say your name, who you play, maybe a little fun fact about yourself. And while they rest of the crew does that, Magnus, help me get these to everyone.

**DAVENPORT** GIVES **MAGNUS** HALF OF THE STACK OF FOLDERS, AND THEY START PASSING THEM AROUND THE **ACTORS** WHILE THEY INTRODUCE THEMSELVES.

**CAREY** : Hi, I'm Carey and I play Ophelia. This is not my first rodeo.

**TAAKO** : I'm Lup's brother, I play Guildenstern.

**LUP** : I'm Taako's sister, I play Rosencrantz.

**CAREY** : (UNIMPRESSED) Are you gonna be doing that all the time?

**TAAKO** : Duh.

**LUP** : No look high five.

**LUP** AND **TAAKO** PERFORM A PERFECT NO LOOK HIGH FIVE.

**BARRY** : Hey guys, I'm Barry, and I'm dead! (LAUGHS) I'm King Hamlet, I mean. And, uh, I'm Lup's husband, but we don't do the coordinated thing.

**LUP** : We do other things! Like-

**KRAVITZ** : Nope. I'm Kravitz. I play Fortinbras. Please let's keep going.

**LUCRETIA** : I'm Lucretia, I'll be playing Gertrude, and I auditioned because I’m actually a teach-

**MERLE** : And I will be your Polonius!

**LUCRETIA** : I wasn't done.

**KRAVITZ** : Let's just keep going.

**JOHN** : It's a pleasure to meet you. I'll be this tale's villain.

**LUCRETIA** : (SARCASTIC) Hamlet's indecision?

**DAVENPORT** : Please go back to presentations.

**LUCIAN** : I’m Lucian.

**SCALES** : I’m Scales!

**TANZER** : I’m Tanzer!

**PLAYERS** : We’re the players!

**TAAKO** : Great, competition.

**LUCIAN** : We also play music for the play. We used to be four, (POINTS AT **JOHANN** ) but one of our own betrayed us.

**JOHANN** DOESN’T REACT.

**SCALES** : Also, there’s someone here who looks exactly like me. That’s a coincidence. I’ve never seen this woman in my life.

**CAREY** : Eat shit, Jeremy.

**DAVENPORT** : That’s enough. Johann, introduce yourself so we can be done with this.

**JOHANN** : (WITHOUT LOOKING FROM HIS PHONE) Johann. Hamlet.

**AVI** : Hi, Johann!

SILENCE.

... I mean, Hi, everyone! I'm Horatio, and I'll be playing Avi.

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

Shit, I got it backwards. I'm Avi, and I'll be playing-

**DAVENPORT** : Very well! (DROPS THE LAST FOLDER ON **AVI** 'S HANDS, FORCEFULLY) Now, each of you has been handed a copy of the script.

**AVI** OPENS HIS FOLDER. STARES AT IT FOR A FEW MOMENTS. LOOKS INCREASINGLY CONFUSED THE MORE HE READS.

**DAVENPORT** : These are yours! Feel free to write over them, make notes, add post-its, paint a picture on them! As long as you can still read your lines, of course.

**AVI** : (INCREDULOUS) Are these characters even English?

**LUCRETIA** : (ABSENTMINDED) They're Danish.

**AVI** : They expect us to read in Danish!?

SILENCE.

**DAVENPORT** : (LAUGHS) While speaking Danish is a plus, we're performing for an English speaking crowd.

**AVI** : (EMBARRASSED) Ha, ha, right! (TO HIMSELF) And they're gonna understand _this_?

**DAVENPORT** : This week we'll just do a script reading of the first scenes to familiarize you with your characters. Today just separate in groups, and we'll review each group's work on Thursday.

THE **ACTORS** START FORMING GROUPS.

**AVI** : (TO HIMSELF) Alright, now is my chance.

**AVI** GOES AFTER **JOHANN** , BUT GET'S INTERCEPTED BY THE **PLAYERS**.

**TANZER** : Where you going, dude?

**AVI** : Me? Nowhere special! Just, you know, being a good Horatio and following Hamlet.

**LUCIAN** : That scene comes later. Come on, we have to see a ghost.

**BARRY** : (WALKS TO THEM) Hey, uh, I've been practicing my ghost voice at home, so don't get too spookied!

**AVI** : (SIGHS) I'll try.

EVERYONE EXITS.

ACT 2 SCENE 2

**JOHANN** ENTERS, LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. **AVI** FOLLOWS AFTER, CLUTCHING HIS SCRIPT, WATCHING **JOHANN** FROM A DISTANCE.

**AVI** : (TO HIMSELF) Okay. Okay. I can do this. Just talk to him like a normal human being. That's all you have to do.

**1** **AVI** BREATHES IN AND OUT, THEN APPROACHES **JOHANN**.

Hey, there! (FAKES CONFUSION) John?

**JOHANN** : (LOOKS UP) It's Johann.

**AVI** : Right! Sorry, must've been paying little attention when you introduced yourself. Nice to meet you!

**JOHANN** : (NODS) Nice to meet you too. Avi, right?

**AVI** : (SMILES) Y-yes!

**JOHANN** : You going home yet? It’s kinda late.

**AVI** : (TRIES REALLY HARD TO PLAY IT COOL) Oh, yeah, in a moment, I just wanted to stay a little longer, to...

**AVI** LOOKS AT **JOHANN** , THEN QUICKLY TURNS HIS GAZE AROUND TO THE REST OF THE STAGE.

... familiarize myself with the stage!

**JOHANN** : Don't you work here during the day?

**AVI** : (STUTTERING) Oh, like with the crew? I mean, sure, I have experience working _backstage_ , but that's very different than being up here on the stage. To be honest, I never even considered trying acting before this.

PAUSE.

**JOHANN** : I get it.

**AVI** : (BEAT) You do?

**JOHANN** : I play violin with the orchestra, but sometimes I audition if the play is good.

**AVI** : Really? We have a lot in common, then.

**JOHANN** : What made you want to act now? (NOT A QUESTION) Since this clearly is your first time.

**AVI** : I'm just really passionate about Shakespeare.

**JOHANN** : (SUSPICIOUS) Is that so?

**AVI** : Yeah, totally. I just can't get enough of the dude. I've read all he's written, even know some monologues by heart.

**JOHANN** : You auditioned with a book in hand, though. In modern English.

**AVI** : (STUTTERS) Well, that's because I didn't want to come off as _too_ arrogant, you know?

**JOHANN** : (SMILES) Sure.

**AVI** : (SMILES) So, what about you? Why Hamlet?

**JOHANN** : (THINKS) I think he's an interesting character to play. True tragedy like Shakespeare is hard to come by these days. The events that lead to Hamlet's ultimate demise are all so-

**AVI** : (SURPRISED) Hamlet dies?!

AWKWARD SILENCE.

**JOHANN** : (BACK TO SUSPECTING) Are you for-?

**AVI** : SIKE! (NERVOUS LAUGH) Of course I know _that!_ I'm such a jokester! I should've auditioned for a clown.

**JOHANN** : Bard.

**AVI** : (LOUDER) YEP! THAT'S IT! ANYWAY, I HAVE TO GO NOW.

**AVI** EXITS.

**JOHANN** : ... Okay...?

**JOHANN** EXITS.

ACT 2 SCENE 3

THE STAGE IS EMPTY, SAVE FOR ONE STEPLADDER.

**KILLIAN** ENTERS. HEADS STRAIGHT TO IT. SHE'S WHISTLING AS SHE TAKES IT WITH HER AND MOVES IT AROUND.

**AVI** ENTERS.

**AVI** : Killian! This is a disaster!

**KILLIAN** : Did your plan of joining the play to hook up with that Hamlet dude not work?

**AVI** : (OFFENDED) Okay, first of all, I don't want to (AIR QUOTES) "hook up". I legit like this guy.

**KILLIAN** : Alright.

**AVI** : And... (SIGHS) Yes, this whole theatre business is harder than I expected.

**KILLIAN** : I don't know what you want me to say, unless it's "I told you so", because I told you so.

**AVI** : I know, I know. I deserve it, okay?! I let my heart act without my mind.

**KILLIAN** : So you're gonna quit?

**AVI** : No! It's too late to back away now. And even if it wasn't, I really like Johann.

**KILLIAN** : You've met him twice.

**AVI** : Don't you believe in love at first sight?

**KILLIAN** GIVES **AVI** AN INCREDULOUS LOOK.

**AVI** : I'm serious!

**KILLIAN** : Oh, I don't doubt it. Now help me carry this.

**AVI** RUNS TO **KILLIAN**. THE TWO OF THEM CLOSE THE STEPLADDER AND CARRY IT.

**AVI** : Won't you at least help me? (POUTS) For old times' sake?

**KILLIAN** : Your himbo charms don't work on me.

**AVI** STOPS POUTING.

And I don't know anything about acting. You got yourself into this mess, you sort it out yourself.

**AVI** : Oh, it's none of that! I just need you to teach me about Hamlet before I embarrass myself further in front of Johann!

**KILLIAN** : (RAISES AN EYEBROW) Further?

**AVI** : (EMBARRASSED) I didn't know Hamlet dies.

**KILLIAN** : (LAUGHS) Yikes.

**AVI** : Killian, I told him I was a Shakespeare fan so he wouldn't suspect I joined because of him.

**KILLIAN** : (STRAIGHT UP HAS A LAUGHING FIT) Oh, god, just when I thought you couldn't fuck up more.

**AVI** : (EXASPERATED) Yes! I know! Will you help me or not?!

**KILLIAN** : Why don't you just read the script? They gave you one, right? I'll say acting in Hamlet is about the best way to, you know, _learn_ about it.

**AVI** : I don't understand a word it says! It's like these characters aren't even English-

**AVI** & **KILLIAN** : They're Danish.

**AVI** : -YES, I KNOW, THEY'RE DANISH! THAT'S LITERALLY ALL I KNOW ABOUT IT! That, and that my character is the love interest of his character, so at least I'll get to pretend-kiss him once, and then he’ll forget about me.

**KILLIAN** : (PAUSE) Alright, this might be my fault.

**AVI** : (CONFUSED) What's your fault?

**KILLIAN** : Horatio isn't the love interest.

EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG PAUSE.

**AVI** GOES THROUGH ALL THE STAGES OF GRIEF.

**AVI** : So all I did was-!

**KILLIAN** : In vain, yes. (SIGHS) Look, if I had known this would happen I wouldn't have said it.

**AVI** : Why would you even lie about that?!

**KILLIAN** : It's not a lie, just, (SHRUGS) a gay literature student joke. Listen, everyone agrees Hamlet shares a deeper bond with Horatio than Ophelia.

**AVI** : Wait, who's Ophelia?

**KILLIAN** : Hamlet's girlfriend.

**AVI** DROPS THE LADDER AND SITS ON THE FLOOR WITH HIS FACE ON HIS HANDS. **KILLIAN** LOOKS, BUT DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING.

**AVI** : He has a girlfriend...

**KILLIAN** : _Hamlet_ has a girlfriend. He's an actor.

**AVI** : (SAD) What if she also auditioned to get close to him?

**KILLIAN** : I seriously doubt it.

**AVI** HIDES HIS FACE ON HIS HANDS.

**KILLIAN** SIGHS. SHE SITS NEXT TO **AVI**.

**KILLIAN** : Alright, what do you want to know about Hamlet?

**AVI** : (LOOKS UP, POUTING) So you're gonna help me?

**KILLIAN** : I kind of owe you.

**AVI** HUGS **KILLIAN**.

**AVI** : I knew I could count on you.

**KILLIAN** PATS **AVI** IN THE BACK.

And... Could you tell me what Hamlet is about? And don't skip the deaths, I don't wanna look like a fool again.

**KILLIAN** : (LAUGHS) Sure. Your character is actually one of the few who survive.

**AVI** : Ha, really?

**KILLIAN** : That's a tragedy for you. This one starts with a death right away, King Hamlet- he's Prince Hamlet's dad, as you can guess- was assassinated by his brother, who later married his wife. The ghost of the King visits Hamlet to tell him about his death and ask for revenge, which then sets Hamlet on a quest to trap and kill-

**AVI** : Hold on.

**KILLIAN** : What's wrong?

**AVI** : (CONFUSED) Isn't that the plot of the Lion King?

CURTAIN

ACT 3 SCENE 1

THE CURTAINS RISES. **JOHANN** , **LUCRETIA** , **JOHN** , **MAGNUS** AND **MERLE** STAND AT THE CENTER OF THE STAGE, ALL LIGHTS ON THEM. THEY ALL READ FROM THE SCRIPT. THE REST OF THE **ACTORS** SIT AROUND THEM ON THE FLOOR.

**MAGNUS** : (MONOTONE) _My dread lord, your leave and favor to return to France, from whence though willingly I came to Denmark to show my duty in your coronation, yet now, I must confess, that duty done, my thoughts and wishes bend again toward France and bow them to your gracious leave and pardon._

**JOHN** : _Have you your father's leave? What says Polonius?_

**MERLE** : (A LITTLE OVERDRAMATIC) _He hath, my lord, wrung from me my slow leave by laborsome petition, and at last upon his will I sealed my hard consent. I do beseech you, give him leave to go._

**JOHN** : _Take thy fair hour, Laertes. Time be thine, and thy best graces spend it at thy will.-- But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son--_

**JOHANN** : _A little more than kin and less than kind._

**JOHN** : _How is it that the clouds still hang on you?_

**JOHANN** : _Not so, my lord. I am too much i' the sun._

EVERYONE IN THE FLOOR, EXCEPT **AVI** , LAUGHS.

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) What? I didn't get that.

EVERYONE SHUSHES HIM.

**LUCRETIA** : _Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off, and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark. Do not forever with thy vailèd lids seek for thy noble father in the dust. Thou know'st 'tis common. All that lives must die, passing through nature to eternity._

**JOHANN** : _Ay, madam, it is common._

**LUCRETIA** : _If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?_

**JOHANN** : (STOPS READING FROM THE SCRIPT AND LOOKS DIRECTLY AT **LUCRETIA** ) _"Seems," madam? Nay, it is. I know not "seems." 'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother, nor customary suits of solemn black, nor windy suspiration of forced breath, no, nor the fruitful river in the eye, nor the dejected 'havior of the visage, together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief, that can denote me truly. These indeed "seem," for they are actions that a man might play. But I have that within which passeth show, these but the trappings and the suits of woe._

**AVI** : Woah, did you see that? He's not even reading-

EVERYONE SHUSHES HIM.

**JOHN** : _'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet, to give these mourning duties to your father. But you must know your father lost a father, that father lost, lost his, and the survivor bound in filial obligation for some term to do obsequious sorrow. But to persever in obstinate condolement is a course..._

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) Wait, I think I'm lost. (FLIPPING PAGES FAST) Which line is this again?

**KRAVITZ** : (WHISPERS, EXASPERATED) You know you don't have to follow them if you're not in the scene right now.

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) I know, but it's really hard to understand what they're saying with just-

**DAVENPORT** : (COUGHS LOUDLY)

EVERYONE STARES AT **AVI**. **AVI** SHUTS UP.

**LUCRETIA** : (PRETENDS SHE DIDN'T HEAR) _Let not thy mother lose her prayers, Hamlet. I pray thee, stay with us. Go not to Wittenberg._

**JOHANN** : _I shall in all my best obey you, madam._

**JOHN** : _Why, 'tis a loving and a fair reply. Be as ourself in Denmark.--Madam, come. This gentle and unforced accord of Hamlet sits smiling to my heart, in grace whereof no jocund health that Denmark drinks today but the great cannon to the clouds shall tell, and the king's rouse the heavens shall bruit again, respeaking earthly thunder. Come away._

**LUCRETIA** , **JOHN** , **MAGNUS** AND **MERLE** SIT DOWN. **MERLE** SITS NEXT TO **AVI** AND WINKS AT HIM.

**JOHANN** : (PUTS HIS SCRIPT DOWN) _Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew, or that the Everlasting had not fixed his canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God, God! how weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world! Fie on 't, ah fie! 'Tis an unweeded garden that grows to seed. Things rank and gross in nature possess it merely. That it should come to this. But two months dead--nay, not so much, not two. So excellent a king, that was to this hyperion to a satyr. So loving to my mother..._

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) Look at him go. He doesn't even read from the script. Is this considered amateur acting? Kinda hard to believe he and I are in the same category.

**MERLE** : (WHISPERS) I would say, don't paint yourself so short, but I'm starting to think this has little to do with your own acting self-esteem.

**AVI** : (WHISPERS, EMBARRASSED) Is it that obvious?

**MERLE** : It is more now that I'm sitting next to you and we're under the same level of light. You have big baby deer eyes, easy to read as a book.

**JOHANN** : _My father's brother, but no more like my father than I to Hercules. Within a month, ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears had left the flushing in her gallèd eyes, she married. O most wicked speed, to post with such dexterity to incestuous sheets! It is not nor it cannot come to good, but break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue._

SILENCE.

EVERYONE WAITS.

**KRAVITZ** : (TO **AVI** ) Now would be a good time to read your script.

**AVI** : What? (READS THE SCRIPT) Oh! Right!

**AVI** , **TANZER** AND **LUCIAN** STAND UP.

**AVI** : (A LITTLE TOO LOUD) _Hail to your lordship!_

**JOHANN** : _I am glad to see you well.-- Horatio? Or I do forget myself?_

**AVI** : _The same, my lord, and your poor servant ever._

**JOHANN** : _Sir, my good friend, I'll change that name with you._

**AVI** : (LAUGHS NERVIOUSLY) Ha, ha, thanks!

**JOHANN** : (PAUSE) _And what make you from Wittenberg, Horatio?--_ (NODS TO **TANZER** ) _Marcellus!_

**TANZER** : _My good lord._

**JOHANN** : (TO **TANZER** ) _I am very glad to see you.--_ (TO **LUCIAN** ) _Good even, sir._ (TO **AVI** ) _\--But what, in faith, make you from Wittenberg?_

**AVI** : _A true-ant disposition, my good lord._

**JOHANN** : "Good my lord."

**AVI** : _My lord, I came to see your fath-_ Sorry, what was that?

**JOHANN** : You said "my good lord," but it's "good my lord."

**AVI** : Oh! Right, sorry. _Good my lord._

**JOHANN** : And it's "truant", Avi, not "true-ant".

**AVI** : (SMILES) ... I'm sorry, I got distracted for a second.

**JOHANN** : (EXASPERATED) _Can you take this seriously?_

**DAVENPORT** : Alright, I think that's enough for this section. (STANDS UP) Let's skip to Laertes’ departure. (TO **MAGNUS** AND **CAREY** ) If that's okay with you guys?

**CAREY** : Cool by me.

**MAGNUS** : (STANDING UP) Let's do this.

**AVI** : Wait, I wasn't-

**DAVENPORT** : It's okay, Avi, everyone gets nervous in front of an audience! (FRIENDLY LAUGH) Better let it out here with us than in the middle of a performance! (NOT SO FRIENDLY TONE) But seriously, that can't happen during shows, so go practice.

**AVI** : (EMBARRASSED) Yes, sir.

**JOHANN** , **TANZER** , **LUCIAN** AND **AVI** SIT DOWN.

**DAVENPORT** : (POINTS AT THE CENTER OF THE STAGE) Magnus, Carey, the floor is yours.

**MAGNUS** AND **CAREY** READ THEIR LINES.

**MERLE** : (WHISPERS TO **AVI** ) Well, at least it's a good thing you're not self conscious about your acting.

**AVI** : (SARCASTIC) I am now, thank you.

**MERLE** : (PATS **AVI** IN THE BACK) Don't worry, we all start sitting on the floor.

**AVI** : (SIGHS)

**CAREY** : _I shall the effect of this good lesson keep as watchman to my heart._ (TAKES **MAGNUS** HANDS) _But, good my brother, do not, as some ungracious pastors do, show me the steep and thorny way to heaven whiles, like a puffed and reckless libertine, himself the primrose path of dalliance treads and recks not his own rede._

**AVI** : (TO HIMSELF) Not all of us do, it seems.

THE LIGHTS FADE OUT.

ACT 3 SCENE 2

THE **ACTORS** ARE SEPARATED BY GROUPS. **AVI** IS PACING, ALONE, FROM ONE SIDE OF THE STAGE TO THE OTHER.

**AVI** : _What art thou that usurps-_ No. _What art thou that usurpest-_ (BREATHES IN AND OUT) _What art thou that usurp..._ (PAUSE) _...st_ (SELF SATISFIED PAUSE) _this time of night together with that fair and warlike form, in which the majesty of buried Denmark did sometimes march? By heaven, I charge thee, speak!_

**MAGNUS** : Then, by heaven, I charge thee... to a duel!

**AVI** : What? Oh, no, I'm just practic-

**MAGNUS** THROWS **AVI** A FOAM SWORD. PICKS ONE FOR HIMSELF.

**MAGNUS** : Art thou a coward?!

**AVI** : ... Who do you take me for? Engard!

**AVI** CHARGES AGAINST **MAGNUS**. THEY FENCE.

SOME **ACTORS** GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO LOOK AT THE FIGHT.

**JOHANN** LOOKS UP BRIEFLY, THEN GOES BACK TO HIS SCRIPT AND HE EXITS.

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS. **MAGNUS** AND **AVI** HIDE THE SWORDS BEHIND THEIR BACKS.

**MAGNUS** : So, about those lines!

**AVI** : Yes, we're definitely going over them.

**DAVENPORT** : (TURNS TO THEM) Keep up the good work!

**DAVENPORT** EXITS.

**MAGNUS** : (SWINGS HIS SWORD) Now, where were we?!

**AVI** : Okay, this was fun, but I seriously need to get back to my lines. They won't learn themselves.

**MAGNUS** : Are you sure?

**AVI** : (SOMBERLY) Yes. I already tried that.

**MAGNUS** : Why are you so stressed, man? It's only the first week! Nobody expects you to be an expert.

**AVI** : (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Right, yeah.

**MAGNUS** STARES AT **AVI** WITH SUSPICION.

(SIGHS) So, I might have told someone I was... sort of a Shakespeare expert.

**MAGNUS** : And are you?

**AVI** : Definitely not. I just watched a play of Hamlet on YouTube for the first time last night, and I fell asleep twice. I don't think I retained much of it beyond all the dying.

**MAGNUS** : (LAUGHS) Well, there's no better way to learn Hamlet than to play in it!

**AVI** : You know, you're the second person who tells me that.

**MAGNUS** : That first person must be very wise. Besides, Hamlet is harder to understand than it seems. It has these hidden meanings and metaphors.

**AVI** : (INTERESTED) Like what?

**MAGNUS** : Dunno. I just know of them.

**AVI** : (SIGHS) Guess I still have a lot to learn.

**MAGNUS** : Well, you're in the perfect place!

**AVI** : I know, I know, theatre is the best way to learn.

**MAGNUS** : Not any theatre. _This_ theatre company. Look!

**MAGNUS** AT THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM.

Everyone here is just like their characters!

**AVI** : Wait, really?

**MAGNUS** : Yeah! For example, Lup and Taako over there,

**LUP** AND **TAAKO** TALK AND GIGGLE. THEY LOOK AT **KRAVITZ** FROM A DISTANCE.

who play Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, always go together, acting friendly but talking like they're in on some inside joke.

**AVI** : I think they're trying to pull a prank on Kravitz.

**MAGNUS** : Exactly! And Kravitz is a very serious guy, kinda like the King of Norway! And Merle, who plays Polonius, he might seem like a doofus, but he's smarter than he lets on.

**MERLE** : Hey, I heard that!

**MAGNUS** : See? He's always listening!

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) I guess I see what you mean, everyone here seems to fit well with their character. Well, except for...

**MAGNUS** : For Carey, yes.

**AVI** : What? Wait, you mean Ophelia-?

**CAREY** SNEAKS FROM BEHIND A PILE OF PROPS AND PRETENDS TO STAB **MAGNUS** WITH A PROP KNIFE. **MAGNUS** YELLS LOUDLY AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

**CAREY** : Finally got thee, vile monster!

**MAGNUS** : (TRAGICALLY) Argh! I've been slain!

**MAGNUS** PRETENDS TO BE DEAD. **CAREY** SITS ON TOP OF HIM.

**CAREY** : (TO **AVI** ) 'Sup.

**AVI** : (HESITANT) Hi?

**CAREY** : You feelin' better now?

**AVI** : What? Oh! You mean, because of the reading. Yeah, I'm doing good.

**CAREY** : Cool, cool. Don't sweat it, dude. Old English is a pain in the ass to learn.

**AVI** : Yeah, thanks... Um, is Magnus alright?

**MAGNUS** : No, I'm dead.

**AVI** : Ah. My condolences.

**MAGNUS** : None of that, man, you have to avenge me, that's what this is all about.

**CAREY** : Dude, just accept you lost.

**MAGNUS** : Can I at least go back to our conversation? We were gossiping.

**CAREY** : Ooh, gossip. Okay, you may talk, but it has to be from the grave.

**MAGNUS** : Good, because we were talking about you.

**CAREY** : Me! (GLARES AT **AVI** ) What, you wanna fight, too?

**AVI** : No, no! None of that, seriously, I don't want to die, thanks. We were just commenting on how much everyone acts like their characters. Well, except you, since Ophelia is-

PAUSE.

(NERVOUS) I mean, n-not that you _aren't_ like her, it's just that- Well, in _comparison_ -

**CAREY** : (LAUGHS) Relax, dude, I know I'm no "fair maiden".

**AVI** : I just want to say it's really amazing how you change your whole personality to fit the character!

**CAREY** : So, like acting?

**AVI** : (PAUSE) Oh! Yes! Wait, you're an actual actress?

**CAREY** : I'm still a couple semesters from my title, but yes.

**AVI** : That's awesome! No wonder you're so good.

**CAREY** : Aw, thanks, man!

**AVI** : If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing here with the rest of us amateurs?

**CAREY** : Ha, it's no big deal. I just wanted to try something for the fun of it. My classes are getting pretty intense and I wanted a way to unwind, but I really only like acting. My bro plays in the orchestra, he told me about this gig.

**AVI** : I see! I guess for you this must be children's play.

**CAREY** : Not at all! Just because you guys don't have professional training doesn't mean you aren't serious about it.

**MAGNUS** : We're hella serious! I brought my own sword for this! But they didn't let me keep it because, you know, real swords can hurt people.

**AVI** : Woah!

**CAREY** : (POINTING AT **MAGNUS** ) Exactly! And you seem very committed, too, are you not?

**AVI** : Well, yeah, but I have... personal reasons for that.

**CAREY** : You mean our Hamlet?

**AVI** : (STUTTERING) WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT... (SIGHS) Yeah, that's exactly it. Man, I can't believe everyone noticed already.

**MAGNUS** : I didn't! I just assumed you were being a good Horatio!

**AVI** : Oh!

**CAREY** : Yeah, I just noticed because I'm good at reading people.

**AVI** : Well, that's a relief. I don't think I could survive everyone knowing I auditioned just for a crush.

**MAGNUS** : (TEASING) Soooooooo, you like Johann?

**AVI** : SHHHH! NOT SO LOUD!

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS THE SCENE. EVERY TIME HE WALKS IN FRONT OF A GROUP, HE NODS, AND THEY EXIT. THEN HE GETS TO **AVI** , **MAGNUS** AND **CAREY** , GIVES THEM A LOOK, AND EXITS WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD.

**AVI** : (CLEARS HIS THROAT) I think we should go back to studying our scripts.

**CAREY** GETS OFF **MAGNUS**. **MAGNUS** GETS UP.

**CAREY** : Talk to you later, dude! Try not to stress too much about it.

**AVI** : You mean the script, or my... you-know-what.

**CAREY** : Both. You have the right attitude, but just like acting, it won't get you anywhere if you don't put in the work.

**AVI** : (SOFTLY) Yeah. (LOUDER) Yeah!

**CAREY** AND **MAGNUS** EXIT.

**JOHANN** ENTERS THE SCENE.

**AVI** : (TO HIMSELF) Alright.

**AVI** WALKS TO **JOHANN**.

Hey! Sorry about earlier. Wanna practice the scene again?

**JOHANN** : (LOOKS AT **AVI** , UNIMPRESSED) Did you learn how to read old English?

**AVI** : No.

**JOHANN** IS SURPRISED.

The truth is, I only ever read Shakespeare in modern adaptations. Old English is hard as balls.

**JOHANN** : (LAUGHS) It really is.

**AVI** : So, I was wondering... would you help me read the script?

**JOHANN** : Sure.

**AVI** : (SMILES) Thank you!

**AVI** AND **JOHANN** EXIT.

CURTAIN

ACT 4 SCENE 1

**AVI** AND **JOHANN** STAND AT THE CENTER STAGE, READING THEIR SCRIPTS.

**JOHANN** : _Here, sweet lord, at your service._

**AVI** : _Horatio, thou art e'en as just a man as e'er my conversation coped withal._

**JOHANN** : _O my dear lord--_

**AVI** : _Nay, do not think I flatter. For what advancement may I hope from thee that no revenue hast but thy good spirits, to feed and clothe thee? Why should the poor be flattered?_

_No, let the candied tongue lick absurd pomp, and crook the pregnant hinges of the knee where thrift may follow fawning. Dost thou hear? Since my dear soul was mistress of her choice and could of men distinguish, her election hath sealed thee for herself, for thou hast been-- as one in suffering all that suffers nothing-- a man that Fortune's buffets and rewards hast ta'en with equal thanks._

PAUSE.

How was that?

**JOHANN** : Your t's are too strong. It's distracting.

**AVI** : (SCOFFS) Ha, ha, very funny. There's no such thing as "strong t's."

**JOHANN** : There is.

**TAAKO** AND **LUP** ENTER.

**TAAKO** : Yeah, and we can hear them from the backstage.

**LUP** : Your palate is very strong.

**TAAKO** AND **LUP** LAUGH TO THEMSELVES, THEN SET ON THEIR OWN CORNER OF THE STAGE AND PRACTICE.

**AVI** : (GROANS) There's too many words ending in t! Words that should _not_ end in t. I think there's a reason we stopped doing that.

**JOHANN** : True, but there is also a reason we study Shakespeare.

**AVI** : (NERVOUS) Of course. But study is supposed to be done from afar, you know? Why do I even need to read your lines, anyway? I was finally getting the hang of mine. Horatio's lines are so easy!

**JOHANN** : I mean, that's the reason.

**AVI** : (PAUSE) Oh.

**JOHANN** : You have few opportunities to really practice old English with him. His longest bit is at the beginning, and then it’s all one sentence lines until the end. It's gonna be a mess if you get to the final scene without proper training.

**AVI** : That's... a good point.

**JOHANN** : Besides, it'll do you well to hear me read your lines before you get to them.

**AVI** : It does! I have trouble getting Horatio's tone, but you really get the adoration in his... (CLEARS HIS THROAT) Anyway, being Hamlet has given me a lot of insight too.

**JOHANN** : (INTERESTED) Really?

**AVI** : Look, here (POINTS AT THE SCRIPT), it says “To be performed by a whiny coward”.

**JOHANN** : (MONOTONE) Ha, ha.

**AVI** : Don't look at me like that, it's in the script.

**JOHANN** : No, you're right. Shakespeare really knows what he did. Like here, it says Horatio has to be played by a himbo.

**AVI** : (SARCASTIC) Wow, that's very mean.

**TAAKO** AND **LUP** LAUGH.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Do I go on?

TRUMPETS PLAY. THE **PLAYERS** ENTER THE SCENE.

**LUCIAN** : The boys are in the house!

**TANZER** : Who's ready for a SHOOOOOW!

**SCALES** : (IMITATES AIRHORN WITH THE TRUMPET)

THE **PLAYERS** GOOF AROUND.

**JOHANN** : I think that answers that.

ALL **ACTORS** EXCEPT **LUCRETIA** ENTER. **DAVENPORT** WALKS TO THE **PLAYERS**.

**DAVENPORT** : I really like your spirit, guys!

**PLAYERS** : Thanks, boss!

**DAVENPORT** : Maybe save some energy for the actual rehearsal of the play.

**SCALES** : But how do you know this isn't _already_ the play?

**TANZER** : Yeah, dude! We're already the most meta part of this play. We have to eat, breathe and sleep acting for…

**DAVENPORT** CROSSES HIS ARMS.

**LUCIAN** : Let's lay down a bit, troupe!

THE **PLAYERS** QUIET DOWN.

**DAVENPORT** : Now, Lucretia is a bit late today, so we'll leave the play scene for the second half of rehearsal.

THE **PLAYERS** EXIT, PATHETICALLY.

Let's go with scene 3, then!

**JOHN** , **LUP** , AND **TAAKO** WALK TO THE CENTER OF THE STAGE WHILE THE REST OF THE **ACTORS** SIT DOWN.

**JOHN** : _I like him not, nor stands it safe with us to let his madness range. Therefore prepare you. I your commission will forthwith dispatch, and he to England shall along with you. The terms of our estate may not endure hazard so dangerous as doth hourly grow out of his lunacies._

**AVI** : (WHISPERS TO **JOHANN** ) John can be very scary. You wouldn't know by how he usually looks.

**JOHANN** : (WHISPERS) You'd be surprised. Some people use acting to act on the emotions they don't let themselves have in their daily lives.

**AVI** : Huh. Do you do that too?

**JOHANN** : (PAUSE) Maybe. But I admit I chose Hamlet precisely because he's so like me.

**AVI** : A whiny coward?

**JOHANN** : Says the himbo.

**DAVENPORT** : (SEVERELY) Gentlemen.

**JOHANN** AND **AVI** FREEZE. **LUP** AND **TAAKO** SNICKER AT THEM.

**DAVENPORT** : (TO THE TWINS) Continue.

**LUP** : _The single and peculiar life is bound with all the strength and armor of the mind to keep itself from noyance, but much more that spirit upon whose weal depend and rest the lives of many. The cease of majesty dies not alone, but, like a gulf, doth draw what's near it with it. It is a massy wheel fixed on the summit of the highest mount, to whose huge spokes ten thousand lesser things are mortised and adjoined, which, when it falls, each small annexment, petty consequence, attends the boisterous ruin. Never alone did the king sigh, but with a general groan._

**JOHN** : _Arm you, I pray you, to this speedy voyage. For we will fetters put upon this fear, which now goes too free-footed._

**TAAKO** : _We will haste us._

**TAAKO** AND **LUP** WALK ASIDE.

**MERLE** STANDS UP.

**MERLE** : _My lord, he's going to his mother's closet. Behind the arras I'll convey myself to hear the process. I'll warrant she'll tax him home. And, as you said (and wisely was it said) 'tis meet that some more audience than a mother..._

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) I'm taking that as a compliment.

**JOHANN** : (WHISPERS) What?

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) The himbo thing.

**JOHANN** : (WHISPERS) Of course you would.

**MERLE** SITS DOWN.

**MERLE** : (WHISPERS) What are you guys talking about?

**JOHANN** : (WHISPERS) Nothing.

**JOHN** : _Oh, my offence is rank. It smells to heaven. It hath the primal eldest curse upon 't, a brother's murder. Pray can I not. Though inclination be as sharp as will, my stronger guilt defeats my strong intent, and, like a man to double business bound, I stand in pause where I shall first begin, and both neglect..._

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) Himbos have a good heart.

**JOHANN** : (WHISPERS) And a small brain.

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) Intelligence is not everything, you know?

**JOHANN** : (SARCASTIC WHISPER) Oh, you've made that pretty clear.

**MERLE** : (WHISPERS) It really looks like you guys are talking about something.

**DAVENPORT** CLEARS HIS THROAT.

**JOHANN** : (TO **AVI** ) This isn't over. (STANDS UP)

**JOHN** : _O wretched state! O bosom black as death! O limèd soul that, struggling to be free,a rt more engaged! Help, angels. Make assay. Bow, stubborn knees, and, heart with strings of steel, be soft as sinews of the newborn babe._

_All may be well._ (KNEELS)

**JOHANN** GRABS THE FOAM SWORD LYING ON THE FLOOR.

**LUP** : (WHISPERS) You gonna fix that smile before going out there, honey?

**JOHANN** : (STOPS. WHISPERS) What?

**TAAKO** : You look too happy for a man who's about to avenge his father's death.

**JOHANN** : (ROLLS HIS EYES) Mind your own business.

**JOHANN** WALKS BEHIND **JOHN**.

_Now might I do it pat. Now he is a-praying. And now I'll do 't. And so he goes to heaven. And so am I revenged. --That would be scanned. A villain kills my father, and, for that, I, his sole son, do this same villain send to heaven..._

**AVI** GASPS.

**JOHANN** LOOKS AT **AVI**.

**JOHANN** LIFTS HIS SWORD AND HITS **JOHN**.

**JOHN** : Ow.

**JOHANN** : Shit! Sorry!

**DAVENPORT** : Well, play's over. Hamlet avenged his father!

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

**JOHANN** : Sorry, I got a little distrac...

**LUP** AND **TAAKO** LAUGH.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) Let's take it again.

**DAVENPORT** : How about we take a break?

**JOHANN** : Ah, alright.

EVERYONE EXITS.

ACT 4 SCENE 2

A TRUMPET PLAYS. THE **PLAYERS** ENTER THE SCENE WITH THEIR MUSIC, DANCE AND COMICALLY EXAGGERATED ACTING.

**CAREY** ENTERS THE SCENE.

**CAREY** : What are you doing?

**LUCIAN** : Playing our part!

**CAREY** : We're not rehearsing the play today, go away.

**SCALES** : You're just jealous because we're better actors than you! (BLOWS LOUDER ON THE TRUMPET)

**CAREY** : (COVERS HER EARS) You're not!

**TANZER** : We're actors of actors, so that makes us double actors.

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS.

THE **PLAYERS** EXIT AT TOP SPEED.

**DAVENPORT** : What was that?

**CAREY** : Nothing. I'm just gonna be dead in the back.

**CAREY** EXITS.

**DAVENPORT** : Alright. (TO THE BACKSTAGE) Can you guys hurry? We have a funeral to celebrate!

**MAGNUS** AND **AVI** ENTER WITH A COFFIN SIZED CRATE.

**AVI** : (GASPS) Where do you want this?

**DAVENPORT** : Just in the middle for now. I still can't find the keys to that darned floor trap.

**MAGNUS** : We're all adults here, Mr. Director, you can curse.

**DAVENPORT** : Very well. I still can't find the keys to that fucking-

**AVI** & **MAGNUS** : HE SAID FUCK.

THEY SCREAM IN SURPRISE.

**DAVENPORT** SIGHS, LOUDLY, AND EXITS.

**MAGNUS** AND **AVI** DROP THE BOX ON THE FLOOR AND SIT ON IT.

**MAGNUS** : It never stops being funny.

**AVI** : Laughing at curse words or making Davenport mad?

**MAGNUS** : Yes.

**AVI** : (SNORTS) Yeah.

PAUSE.

I can't believe the performance is next month. Time flies, huh?

**MAGNUS** : Really? It feels like we've been rehearsing forever. The only sign of time passing I have is Davenport's insanity-o-meter.

**AVI** : I don't know, I guess this is way more fun than I first thought.

**JOHANN** ENTERS.

**MAGNUS** : Sure, who wouldn't in your place.

**AVI** : Shoosh.

**JOHANN** : (TO **AVI** ) Davenport is still looking for that key. Why don't we start without him?

**AVI** : Sure! We can skip his lines, I guess-

**MAGNUS** : OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT (CHECKS HIS WRIST FOR AN INVISIBLE WATCH) I REALLY HAVE TO HURRY NOW. HAVE FUN, YOU GUYS?

**AVI** COVERS HIS FACE WITH HIS HANDS.

**JOHANN** : Uh, alright.

**MAGNUS** EXITS. **JOHANN** SITS IN HIS PLACE.

**AVI** : (CLEARS HIS THROAT) So, do we switch lines for this one?

**JOHANN** : Nah, I like this part.

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) Alright, let's go with it.

**JOHANN** : (READS) _Has this fellow no feeling of his business? He sings at grave- making._

**AVI** : (READS) _Custom hath made it in him a property of easiness._

**JOHANN** : _'Tis e'en so. The hand of little employment hath the daintier sense._ (MURMURS) And there's more singing here... (READS) _That skull had a tongue in it and could sing once. How the knave jowls it to the ground, as if it were Cain's jawbone, that did the first murder! It might be the pate of a politician, which this ass now o'erreaches, one that would circumvent God, might it not?_

**AVI** : _It might, my lord._

**JOHANN** : _Or of a courtier, which could say, "Good morrow, sweet lord!" "How dost thou, good lord?" This might be my Lord Such-a-one that praised my Lord Such-a-one's horse when he meant to beg it, might it not?_

**AVI** : _"Ey", my lord._

**JOHANN** : It's "aye", like an affirmation.

**AVI** : Sorry. _Ay, my lord._

**JOHANN** : Good. (READS) _Why, e'en so. And now my Lady Worm's, chapless and knocked about the mazard with a sexton's spade. Here's fine revolution, an we had the trick to see 't. Did these bones cost no more the breeding but to play at loggets with them? Mine ache to think on 't._ (STOPS READING) Oh, this is where they dig Yorick's skull. I wonder if we already got it.

**JOHANN** STANDS UP, GESTURES AT **AVI** TO DO THE SAME, AND OPENS THE BOX. IT’S FULL OF DIRT.

**AVI** : No wonder it was so heavy. I mean, dirt on it's own is pretty dense, I guess, but if they also put props in there, then-

**JOHANN** : (DIGS A SKULL UP) Found it.

**AVI** : (WALKS BACK) Oh my fucking god! Is that a real skull?!

**JOHANN** : Well, I can't do this bit with just my imagination.

**AVI** : You know that's not what I meant!

**JOHANN** LAUGHS.

**AVI** : Not the time to laugh! (TO HIMSELF) No matter how cute it is... (OUTLOUD) How did Davenport even get a human skull for this?!

**JOHANN** : They're not hard to find, you'd be surprised. Some people even donate their skulls specifically to be used in Hamlet. Like Tchaikowsky's.

**AVI** : What?! Wait, _that_ Tchaikowsky?!

**JOHANN** : No, the other one. (PAUSE) I know that sounds sarcastic but there actually were two Tchaikowskys. You're probably thinking about the Russian one. It was the Polish Andre Tchaikowsky.

**AVI** : Doesn't change my feelings about it, to be honest.

**JOHANN** : If it makes you feel better- (THROWS SKULL AT **AVI** )

**AVI** SCREAMS AND GRABS THE SKULL.

-it's fake. Resin or something.

**AVI** : (STOPS SCREAMING) Oh, thank god. (EXAMINES SKULL) You could've fooled me, though.

**JOHANN** : That's the idea. Very powerful scream you got there.

**AVI** : Shoosh.

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS HOLDING A KEY RING.

**DAVENPORT** : Found it! (SHAKES KEY RING) It has to be one of these, I'm sure. I see you guys dug Yorick without me.

**JOHANN** : We were just trying to get some work ahead.

**DAVENPORT** : Go on, then.

**AVI** GIVES **JOHANN** THE SKULL.

**JOHANN** : _Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath borne me on his back a thousand times, and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. --Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now to mock your own grinning? Quite chapfallen? Now get you to my lady's chamber and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favor she must come. Make her laugh at that.--Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing._

**AVI** APPLAUDS.

**JOHANN** : (AMUSED) Your lines, Avi.

**AVI** : Oh! Right! (READS) _What's that, my lord?_

**JOHANN** : _Dost thou think Alexander looked o' this fashion i' th' earth?_

**AVI** : _E'en so._

**JOHANN** : _And smelt so? Pah!_ (DROPS THE SKULL)

**DAVENPORT** : (DESPERATE) Please don't drop the skull!

**JOHANN** : Oh, whoops, sorry.

TRUMPETS. **MAGNUS** ENTERS, HOLDING **CAREY** IN HIS ARMS.

**MAGNUS** : Out of the way, dead body coming.

**CAREY** : (DRAMATICALLY) _Alas, poor Ophelia. Did anyone know her? A soul of infinite melancholy, of most excellent-_

**MAGNUS** DROPS **CAREY** ON THE BOX OF DIRT.

MAGNUS, WHAT THE FUCK?!

**MAGNUS** : (SOLEMNLY) Sometimes I can still hear her voice.

**MAGNUS** EXITS, FOLLOWED BY **CAREY**.

**DAVENPORT** : (YELLING) Please don't...! (SIGHS) Spread dirt all around. Here (HANDS THE KEY RING TO **AVI** ) Open the trapdoor while I get a broom.

**DAVENPORT** EXITS.

**AVI** : (TOYS WITH THE KEY RING) So, the famous Yorick scene. (LEANS DOWN AND OPENS THE TRAPDOOR) Is that why you wanted to be Hamlet? To hold the skull?

**JOHANN** : In a way, yes. It's a pretty raw monologue.

PAUSE.

I've always liked Hamlet, you know? A lot of people boil his character down to a depressed asshole who's jealous of Claudius and procrastinates himself to death. But he's more complex than that. He's fighting his own internal battle between his motivations and emotions. He feels it's his sole duty to right things, but he overthinks so much that he can never decide what the right thing _is_. So, he ends up delaying his revenge, until he himself is about to die. It's tragic because his heart is in the right place, but he himself doesn't believe he's capable of doing it. His inferiority complex coupled with his inaction is what leads to his ultimate demise.

**AVI** : (PAUSE) You have thought a lot about this.

<strongJOHAN: (SHRUGS) I'm a sucker for tragedies.

PAUSE.

And, if I'm being honest, I guess I see myself in Hamlet.

**AVI** : Oh.

**JOHANN** : Not in the murderous revenge thing.

**AVI** : No, yeah, of course. I understand.

SILENCE.

**JOHANN** : Do you wanna try Yorick's monologue?

**AVI** : That sounds fun! Did you see where the skull went? I think it rolled off-

**MAGNUS** ENTERS.

**MAGNUS** : (STRONG SPANISH ACCENT) Hello, my name is Laertes Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

**JOHANN** : What?

**MAGNUS** CHARGES AT **JOHANN**.

**JOHANN** SCREAMS AND HIDES BEHIND **AVI**.

**AVI** : Um, sure, I can be your meat shield.

**MAGNUS** : Get out and fight me like a man!

**MAGNUS** THROWS A FOAM SWORD **JOHANN** 'S WAY. **AVI** CATCHES IT.

**AVI** : Will it suffice if I fight in his steed?

**MAGNUS** : Yes! Engard!

**MAGNUS** AND **AVI** EXIT.

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS, HOLDING A BROOM.

**DAVENPORT** : Alright, this should be enough for the mess in... (LOOKS AROUND THE STAGE) Where did Avi go?

**JOHANN** : Magnus kidnapped him for a duel.

**DAVENPORT** : I was just gonna ask about Magnus too. Well, I guess it's up to us now.

**JOHANN** : (PAUSE) What's up to us?

**DAVENPORT** : To lower the crate down the hole. Come on, remember to lift with your legs.

**JOHANN** : (GROANS)

THEY LOWER THE CRATE TOGETHER. **JOHANN** COMPLAINS ALL THE WAY.

**JOHANN** AND **DAVENPORT** EXIT.

ACT 4 SCENE 3

**AVI** AND **KILLIAN** ENTER. THE STAGE IS FULL OF PROPS. **KILLIAN** HAS A HARD TIME AVOIDING THE OBSTACLES.

**AVI** : And then he told me why he's playing the role.

**KILLIAN** : (ABSENTMINDEDLY) Uh-huh.

**AVI** : He says he feels identified with Hamlet, and it's no wonder, he performs him so well.

**KILLIAN** : (ABSENTMINDEDLY) Yeah, cool.

**AVI** : And he's commented on me being like Horatio a lot, so do you think that means-?

**KILLIAN** : Avi, can this wait until we're out of the maze? (LOOKS DOWN) Who put a fucking bed in here?

**AVI** : Oh, sure! Watch out for the trapdoor.

**KILLIAN** : What trapd-

**KILLIAN** FALLS INTO THE TRAPDOOR.

**AVI** : Shit! (RUNS TO HER) Are you okay?

**KILLIAN** : Yeah, it's just a long step d- Ugh, why is there dirt in here!?

**AVI** : That's Yorick's grave. Do you need help?

**KILLIAN** : I can get out on my own, thank you. (GETS OUT) You know, this is why I hate theatre people. They just have to be so extra about everything!

**JOHANN** ENTERS.

**JOHANN** : I mean, yeah, it comes with the curriculum.

**AVI** : Johann! (RUNS TO HIM)

**KILLIAN** : (TO HERSELF) Of course.

**AVI** : You're here early! (TO **KILLIAN** ) Because rehearsals start at seven-

**KILLIAN** : I literally don't care.

**JOHANN** : Yeah, I just remembered you work here during the day.

**AVI** : Yep, that's totally what I do! You can find me any time, I’ll just be here until rehearsal starts.

**KILLIAN** : Don't you go back home to chan-

**AVI** : So! You just wanted to, like, hang out? With me? That's cool! I know a place around here with really good coffee, if you'd like-

**JOHANN** : Actually, I wanted to ask you to teach me how to fence? We're getting close to the final scene, and if I'm being honest, Magnus scares the shit out of me.

**AVI** : (SURPRISED) Oh! Yeah, of course!

**JOHANN** : Thanks. So, uh, I guess I'll wait around until you guys are done with your shift.

**KILLIAN** : Actually, we're just finished here. Good-bye, Avi.

**AVI** : (MOUTHS) Thank you.

**KILLIAN** WAVES DISMISSIVELY AND EXITS.

**AVI** : (CLEARS HIS THROAT) Okay! Let's get started, then. Have you fenced before?

**JOHANN** : Nope.

**AVI** : Then we'll start with the basics. Let me just... ( **AVI** CLOSES THE TRAP DOOR) Alright, before you can use a sword, you have to know how to keep a good posture. Are you right or left handed?

**JOHANN** : Right handed.

**AVI** : Great! Just mirror my posture then. First, you need to turn your body to the side, your dominant leg in front.

**JOHANN** : Like this?

**AVI** : Good! Remember to keep your foot looking straight in front of you. Now, your back leg should be at shoulder length with the front.

**JOHANN** : Alright, I think I can handle this-

**AVI** : But that foot has to look to the same direction of your body in a right angle. Flex your knees a bit and make sure your toes are touching the ground. Look at me with your head but look at the seats with your shoulders, and-

**JOHANN** : Can you slow down? I think I got lost.

**AVI** : Oh, sorry! Where?

**JOHANN** : After you said "shoulder-length".

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) Sorry, that's on me.

**AVI** WALKS BEHIND **JOHANN**.

**AVI** : Your feet are good. Flex your knees a little.

**JOHANN** : (TRIES TO FLEX HIS KNEES) Like this?

**AVI** : Flex both knees.

**JOHANN** : I can't, my back leg is stuck.

**AVI** : Hm... The angle of your hips is wrong. (GRABS **JOHANN** 'S HIPS) They should be pointing to the same direction of your left foot. (LETS GO OF **JOHANN** ’S HIPS) Now try.

**JOHANN** : (PAUSE) Sorry, I zoned out for a moment, can you repeat that?

**AVI** : Your knees.

**JOHANN** : Right. (FLEXES HIS KNEES) Is there anything else I should know?

**AVI** : Your lower back is too curved, try to move your pelvis closer to your belly button.

**JOHANN** : (GROANS) This is a lot harder than I thought.

**AVI** : Do you need help with-

**JOHANN** : NO! (EMBARRASSED) I-I'm good.

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) Okay. You don't need to feel bad, it's a very uncomfortable position if you're not used to it.

**JOHANN** : You've been doing this long?

**AVI** : I have some years of experience under my belt.

**JOHANN** : Where did you learn how to fence?

**AVI** : (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Um, you're gonna make fun of me.

**JOHANN** : You're helping me now, I legally cannot make fun of you.

**AVI** : That’s true... I was really into LARPING when I was-

**JOHANN** LAUGHS

I knew you'd laugh!

**JOHANN** : Sorry, sorry, you just don't seem the type.

**AVI** : What, because I'm not a nerdy theatre guy? Preppy jocks can have fun too.

**JOHANN** : I'm having a hard time picturing you as a Fighter.

**AVI** : That's because I was a Barbarian.

PAUSE.

**JOHANN** LAUGHS LOUDER.

**AVI** : (SCOFFS) You're imposible.

**JOHANN** LAUGHS SOME MORE.

Are you done?

**JOHANN** : (GASPING) Yeah, I think I'm good. What comes next?

**AVI** : (EXAGGERATED SIGH) This is the thanks I get. Get in position again.

**JOHANN** GETS IN POSITION.

Now, (HANDS **JOHANN** A FOAM SWORD) grip. It has to be firm enough it doesn't fly off your hand, but not too tight, or else you'll hurt your hand.

**JOHANN** : I've held a sword before.

**AVI** SLAPS THE SWORD OUT OF **JOHANN** ’S HAND.

(PICKS UP SWORD) Point taken.

**AVI** : Point with the sword in the same direction of your right foot. This will help you with the accuracy. Now, movement is done by giving small side steps, always leading with the front foot if you want to get closer to your opponent, and back foot to get farther away from them. Try it.

**JOHANN** TAKES A COUPLE STEPS FORWARD AND BACKWARDS.

See? Once you get moving it's easier to understand the point of the pose.

**JOHANN** : Why don't they walk like normal people?

**AVI** : That's called crossing, and it's a little dangerous as your legs could get tangled up and leave you prone, or even make you drop your sword and hurt yourself. Only advanced fencers do it.

**JOHANN** : Huh. Good to know.

**AVI** : Yep! (WALKS IN FRONT OF **JOHANN** AND GETS IN POSITION) Do you feel ready to take me on?

**JOHANN** : Does it matter if I say no?

**AVI** : Nope! First lesson! Try to block my attack with your sword.

**JOHANN** : Block how?

**AVI** CHARGES AGAINST **JOHANN**. **JOHANN** STOPS **AVI** 'S SWORD WITH HIS OWN.

Ah!

**AVI** : Like that! Keep going!

THEY MATCH BLADES TWO MORE TIMES BEFORE **AVI** GETS A HIT.

And you're dead.

**JOHANN** : You can be kinda ruthless, you know?

**AVI** : I'm going easy on you! You'll know when I'm ruthless. Come on, now try to hit me.

THEY FENCE SOME MORE. **JOHANN** GETS HIT FIVE MORE TIMES BEFORE HE SCORES.

**JOHANN** : Ha!

**AVI** : Ow!

**JOHANN** : You totally let me win that time, didn't you?

**AVI** : It was less letting you win and more holding myself back. You're still a newbie, after all.

**JOHANN** : Wow, you really are kind. I can take you on, come on.

**AVI** : Are you sure?

**JOHANN** : I don't think Magnus is gonna go easy on me. Treat me like I've treated you on our script reading.

**AVI** : (BEAT) Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you!

**AVI** CHARGES AGAINST **JOHANN** WITH MORE FORCE. **JOHANN** BLOCKS A FEW TIMES, THEN TRIES TO BACK AWAY WITH A CROSSING, TRIPPING AND FALLING.

**JOHANN** : Oof!

**AVI** : Shit! (KNEELS CLOSE TO **JOHANN** ) Are you okay? I'm really sorry.

**JOHANN** : I'm fine, it was just the surprise. Tripped on my own legs like a...

**JOHANN** AND **AVI** STARE INTO EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT.

**AVI** : (PAUSE) Ah, I'll help you up! (STANDS UP)

**JOHANN** : (STUTTERS) Thank you.

**JOHANN** TAKES **AVI** 'S HAND. THEY STAND AWKWARDLY.

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS.

**DAVENPORT** : Avi, you were right about that coffee, I just had three cups and it's a whole new level of- Oh! Johann, you're early today!

**JOHANN** : Hey. You're early too.

**DAVENPORT** : Yes, but I always come at half past six, not a minute sooner, not a minute later.

**JOHANN** : Six thirty? (CHECKS HIS PHONE) Oh.

**AVI** : Time flies when you're having fun.

**DAVENPORT** : Fun? Am I interrupting something?

**AVI** : (NERVOUS) Oh, no, no.

**JOHANN** : Not at all.

**AVI** : We were practicing!

**JOHANN** : I asked Avi to help me with fencing.

**AVI** : Johann asked me to- yeah, what he just said.

AWKWARD SILENCE.

**DAVENPORT** : So! Now that I've got you two here, why don't you help me clean up space?

**AVI** : Right away, sir!

**DAVENPORT** : Thank you! Let's start by taking this bed to the backstage.

**AVI** : Sure!

**AVI** PUSHES THE BED UNTIL THE EXIT.

**DAVENPORT** : Did you get to practice a lot?

**JOHANN** : Not much, to be honest. Avi just started teaching me the basics, so we didn't get much chance to actually fence.

**DAVENPORT** : Really?

**JOHANN** : Why does that surprise you?

**DAVENPORT** : Well, your face is red from the exhaustion.

**JOHANN** : (TOUCHES HIS FACE) Oh. Um. I'm gonna take some stuff out too.

**JOHANN** EXITS.

**DAVENPORT** : Hm! What a pair of hard working fellas!

**DAVENPORT** EXITS.

CURTAIN

ACT 5 SCENE 1

ENTER **JOHN** , **MAGNUS** , **LUCRETIA** , **KRAVITZ** , **AVI** , AND **JOHANN**.

**JOHN** : Ah, what a wonderful day for a fencing match, wouldn't you agree?

**LUCRETIA** : If you're not the one fighting in it.

**MAGNUS** : No, I agree with him! Today specifically feels like a good moment to get some fencing done.

**LUCRETIA** : Aren't you tired of swinging that sword around for weeks?

**MAGNUS** : I was born for this!

**JOHANN** : (TO **LUCRETIA** ) You have any objections to the rehearsal?

**LUCRETIA** : Oh, no, I'm actually excited to see it too! I've never had a chance to see people fighting.

PAUSE.

(COUGHS) For academic reasons, of course.

**AVI** : (TO **JOHANN** ) Hey, how are you feeling?

**JOHANN** : (SIGHS) I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous.

**AVI** : Come on, you've practiced a lot! It only took you a couple weeks to get a handle of the basics.

**JOHANN** : And how much experience does Magnus have?

**AVI** : I can tell you right now he has no formal training, so you already got that over him.

**DAVENPORT** ENTERS.

**DAVENPORT** : Alright, team! We've gone a little behind schedule, but we're finally on the last scene! If we can hammer down the details of what's left, we'll be ready for general essays next week. Remember to take your measurements if you haven't already so your costumes will be done before the dress rehearsal.

Now, if anyone has any questions...

**LUCRETIA** RAISES HER HAND.

I'll gladly answer them when we're done. Again, tight schedule. Action! ( **DAVENPORT** SITS)

**JOHN** : _Come, Hamlet, come, and take this hand from me._ (PUTS **MAGNUS** ' HAND INTO **JOHANN** 'S)

**JOHANN** : (TO **MAGNUS** ) _Give me your pardon, sir. I've done you wrong. But pardon 't, as you are a gentleman. This presence knows, and you must needs have heard, how I am punished with sore distraction. What I have done, that might your nature, honor, and exception roughly awake, I here proclaim was madness. Was 't Hamlet wronged Laertes? Never Hamlet. If Hamlet from himself be ta'en away, and when he's not himself does wrong Laertes, then Hamlet does it not. Hamlet denies it. Who does it, then? His madness._

_If't be so, Hamlet is of the faction that is wronged. His madness is poor Hamlet's enemy. Sir, in this audience, let my disclaiming from a purposed evil free me so far in your most generous thoughts that I have shot mine arrow o'er the house and hurt my brother._

**MAGNUS** : _I am satisfied in nature, whose motive in this case should stir me most to my revenge. But in my terms of honor I stand aloof, and will no reconcilement till by some elder masters, of known honor, I have a voice and precedent of peace to keep my name ungored. But till that time I do receive your offered love like love and will not wrong it._

**JOHANN** : _I embrace it freely, and will this brother's wager frankly play.--Give us the foils. Come on._

**MAGNUS** : _Come, one for me._

**JOHANN** : _I'll be your-_

**MAGNUS** HUGS **JOHANN**.

Oof! Um, nice touch.

**MAGNUS** : Thank you!

**JOHANN** : _I'll be your foil, Laertes. In mine ignorance your skill shall, like a star i' th' darkest night, stick fiery off indeed._

**MAGNUS** : _You mock me, sir._

**JOHANN** : _No, by this hand._

**JOHN** : _Give them the foils, young Osric._

PAUSE.

Where's Osric?

**LUCIAN** ENTERS.

**LUCIAN** : I'm here, I'm here!

**AVI** : Wait, wasn't Scales Osric?

**LUCIAN** : We decided to spice things up by changing Osric depending on the performance. It's a little trick they do sometimes in-

**DAVENPORT** : We literally don't have time for this! Action!

**LUCIAN** : (WHISPERS TO **AVI** ) He's at the dentist.

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) I figured.

**JOHN** : _Cousin Hamlet, you know the wager?_

**JOHANN** : _Very well, my lord. Your grace hath laid the odds o' th' weaker side._

**JOHN** : _I do not fear it. I have seen you both. But since he is better we have therefore odds._

**JOHANN** : (TO HIMSELF) Kinda like real life.

**MAGNUS** : (TESTS FOAM SWORD) _This is too heavy! Let me see another!_

**JOHANN** : (CHECKS FOAM SWORD OUT) Um, are we getting rapiers for the final production, or-

**DAVENPORT** : After the rehearsal!

**JOHANN** : (SIGHS) _This likes me well. These foils have all a length?_

**LUCIAN** : _Ey, my good lord!_

**JOHANN** : It's "ay".

**JOHANN** AND **MAGNUS** GET INTO THEIR POSITIONS. **JOHANN** ASSUMES A FENCING STANCE. **MAGNUS** ASSUMES WHAT HE THINKS IS A FENCING STANCE.

**JOHN** : _Set me the stoups of wine upon that table. If Hamlet give the first or second hit or quit in answer of the third exchange, let all the battlements their ordnance fire! The king shall drink to Hamlet's better breath, and in the cup an union shall he throw richer than that which four successive kings in Denmark's crown have worn. Give me the cups. And let the kettle to the trumpet speak, the trumpet to the cannoneer without, the cannons to the heavens, the heavens to earth, "Now the king dunks to Hamlet." Come, begin.-- And you, the judges, bear a wary eye._

SILENCE.

**LUCIAN** : Uh, there's supposed to be trumpets here, but I don't-

**DAVENPORT** : Yes, yes, just go on.

**JOHANN** : _Come on, sir._

**MAGNUS** : _Come, my lord._

**MAGNUS** CHARGES AGAINST **JOHANN**.

**JOHANN** : Ah-!

**AVI** : Watch out!

**JOHANN** BLOCKS **MAGNUS**.

**MAGNUS** : (WHISPERS) Nice block!

**JOHANN** : T-thanks...

**MAGNUS** AND **JOHANN** FENCE.

**MAGNUS** : (WHISPERS) I'm open when you feel ready.

**JOHANN** : Okay!

**JOHANN** GETS A HIT ON **MAGNUS**.

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) Yes! (TO **LUCRETIA** ) I taught him that!

**LUCRETIA** : (WHISPERS) That's really cool.

**AVI** : (WHISPERS) I'm so proud of him.

THEY KEEP THE SCENE GOING. **JOHN** POISONS THE CUP, **LUCRETIA** DRINKS FROM IT, **JOHANN** GETS HIT BY **MAGNUS** ' SWORD, THEN FINALLY HITS BACK WITH THE SAME WEAPON.

**JOHN** : _Separate them! They're overdoing it._

**LUCRETIA** FALLS.

**LUCRETIA** : (TO HERSELF) Ouch! Ugh, this is gonna hurt tomorrow.

**LUCIAN** : _Look to the queen there, hoes!_

**MAGNUS** LAUGHS.

**AVI** : _They bleed on both sides.--How is it, my lord?_

**LUCIAN** : _How is 't, Laertes?_

**MAGNUS** : _Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, Osric. I am justly killed with mine own treachery._ (FALLS)

ONE BY ONE THE CHARACTERS DIE, UNTIL ALL THAT'S LEFT IS **JOHANN**.

**JOHANN** : (WALKS TO **AVI** ) _Heaven make thee free of it. I follow thee.-- I am dead, Horatio.--Wretched queen, adieu!-- You that look pale and tremble at this chance, that are but mutes or audience to this act, had I but time (as this fell sergeant, Death, is strict in his arrest), O, I could tell you-- but let it be.--Horatio, I am dead. Thou livest. Report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied._

**AVI** : (BREATHES IN) _Never believe it. I am-_

**DAVENPORT** : Avi, you have to hold Johann!

**AVI** : (SHOCKED) What?!

**DAVENPORT** : He's dying! He can barely stand on his feet! Hold him tight, Avi, with all you've got.

**AVI** : (STUTTERS) Okay! (HOLDS **JOHANN** ) Never believe-

**JOHANN** HOLDS **AVI** 'S FACE.

(SWALLOWS) _Erm, n-never believe it! I am more... more an antique Roman than a... than a..._

**DAVENPORT** : Read the script, boy!

**JOHANN** : (WHISPERS) Avi, we practiced this, remember?

**AVI** : (VOICE CRACKS) Yeah, yes, I do remember that. (TAKES SCRIPT FROM HIS BACK POCKET) _I am more an antique Roman than a Dane. Here's yet some liquor left._

**AVI** GRABS THE CUP FROM **JOHANN** 'S HOLD AND DRINKS.

**JOHANN** : Wait, you’re not-

**DAVENPORT** : Cut!

**AVI** : (LOWERS THE CUP) What now?

**JOHANN** : (HOLDING BACK A LAUGH) You weren't supposed to drink from the cup.

**AVI** : (PAUSE) Oh. Fuck, I just killed Horatio.

**DAVENPORT** : Well, now we have an alternate universe where Horatio dies, nobody lives to tell Hamlet's story, and this was all for nothing.

**AVI** : (SAD) I'm sorry, sir.

**DAVENPORT** : (SIGHS) No, I'm sorry. It's just the stress of the schedule. Also, I think I might be suffering from caffeine withdrawal. Let's make a coffee break.

**KRAVITZ** : What about my monologue? I came today just because of this.

**DAVENPORT** : After the break, Kravitz. Go get yourself something to eat.

EVERYONE BUT **JOHANN** AND **AVI** EXIT.

**JOHANN** : Hey, you okay?

**AVI** : Yeah! Sorry about that.

**JOHANN** : It's normal to be nervous. Just remember you've practiced a lot.

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) You're turning my own advice against me?

**JOHANN** : It's the language you speak.

**AVI** : (PAUSE) Thank you, Johann. I'll do my best.

**JOHANN** : Wanna grab something to eat?

**AVI** : That'd be awesome.

**AVI** AND **JOHANN** EXIT.

ACT 5 SCENE 2

THE STAGE IS BUSIER THAN EVER WITH EVERY MEMBER OF THE CAST. THEY'RE ALL IN COSTUME EXCEPT FOR **DAVENPORT**.

**AVI** AND **KILLIAN** ENTER, DRESSED IN THEIR WORK CLOTHES.

**KILLIAN** : (WHISTLES) You can feel the stress tonight.

**AVI** : It's the final day of rehearsal, everyone is at least a little nervous.

**KILLIAN** : And you?

**AVI** : I wanna explode!

**KILLIAN** : You're actually saying how you feel, so that's a good sign.

**DAVENPORT** : Ah, there you are! (TO **KILLIAN** ) Thank you so much for your work. We're going to stay a little later than usual tonight, so feel free to grab anything from the snack table.

**AVI** : Ooh, muffins!

**DAVENPORT** : Not for you! These are for the crew people! You can get one if you behave today.

**AVI** : Jeez, boss, you're touchy today.

**DAVENPORT** : I'm not touchy!

**SCALES** WALKS SLOWLY BEHIND **DAVENPORT** WITH HIS TRUMPET.

Jeremy Fangbattle, if you take one step closer I will make a pair of shoes out of your skin.

**SCALES** RUNS AWAY.

**KILLIAN** : So, where do you want me? Manning the lights?

**DAVENPORT** : We have those already covered, but we could really use a strong set of hands to drop and raise the curtain.

**KILLIAN** : On it.

**DAVENPORT** : And you better hurry up and get dressed! It's gonna be a long night, and every second counts.

**AVI** : Yessir!

**DAVENPORT** : Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a cup of coffee.

**DAVENPORT** EXITS.

**CAREY** WALKS BY.

**AVI** : Hey, Carey, has he been like this all day?

**CAREY** : Yeah, but he's gonna be fine. He needs to get all that energy out tonight so tomorrow goes by smoothly, just give him some space.

**CAREY** KEEPS WALKING AND COLLIDES WITH **KILLIAN**.

**CAREY** : Oof, sorry!

**KILLIAN** : It's fine.

**CAREY** AND **KILLIAN** STARE INTO EACH OTHER.

**CAREY** : (LAUGHS) Erm, see ya!

**CAREY** WALKS AWAY.

**AVI** : (TEASING) What was that?

**KILLIAN** : (EMBARRASSED) Nothing.

**AVI** : Huh.

**KILLIAN** : Go back to being a wreck.

**AVI** : Hey, I'm not that nervous! Yet. I'm just, you know, a little scared. This is my first play.

**KILLIAN** : You're gonna be fine, there's not much room for Horatio to fuck up, and even if you did, people won't be focused on you. They'll-

**AVI** : Have eyes on Johann, I know. (SIGHS) He really has a way with words, doesn't he?

**KILLIAN** : (GROANS) Great, more helpless pining.

**AVI** : Excuse you, I'm not helpless! We've had a lot of progress these past months. Did I tell you the other day we went out for coffee?

**KILLIAN** : A million times, yes. But that wasn't a date.

**AVI** : It was... not. But we're spending more time alone lately. I'm sure I have a chance.

**KILLIAN** : Have you gotten his number yet?

**AVI** : (PAUSE) Why would I need his number? We see each other every Monday and Thursday.

**KILLIAN** : So you don't talk outside of rehearsals?

**AVI** : It's more a matter of quality than quantity of time spent together.

**KILLIAN** : Getting his number was literally the reason you joined this play.

**AVI** : I- It's not- You don't- (GROANS) Okay, fine, you want the truth? I chickened out months ago!

**KILLIAN** : Doesn't surprise me.

**AVI** : For your information, asking for someone's number is _a lot_ harder than it seems.

**KILLIAN** : You're coworkers. You _clearly_ have a thing for each other. There's no better excuse to get someone's number than that.

**AVI** : Well, if it's so easy why don't you get Carey's number, hm? Since you two (AIR QUOTES) "clearly had a thing for each other" like two seconds ago.

**KILLIAN** : Alright.

**AVI** : Huh?

**KILLIAN** WALKS UP TO **CAREY**.

**CAREY** : Oh, hey again.

**KILLIAN** : Hi there. Nervous about the performance tomorrow?

**CAREY** : Eh, I'm a little desensitized by this point.

**KILLIAN** : You have experience?

**CAREY** : (LAUGHS) You could say so.

**AVI** : Did she just laugh?

**KILLIAN** : You got anything to do after the rehearsal?

**CAREY** : Not much. Why, got anything in mind?

**KILLIAN** : I was gonna hit the bar around the corner. Nothing like a cold beer after a long day of work.

**CAREY** : That sounds nice. (GRABS HER PHONE FROM A DRESS POCKET) Give me your number so I can call you when I'm done?

**KILLIAN** : Sure.

**AVI** : WHAT?

**KILLIAN** WALKS BACK TO **AVI**. HER PHONE CHIMES.

**KILLIAN** : (READS FROM THE SCREEN) "This is my number. Carey." (SHOWS **AVI** THE PHONE) Literally that easy.

**AVI** : But... You... Her... How...

**KILLIAN** PATS **AVI** ON THE SHOULDER.

**KILLIAN** : Get your shit together.

**KILLIAN** EXITS.

**AVI** : Yeah... yeah, that's a good idea.

**AVI** EXITS.

ACT 5 SCENE 3

**AVI** ENTERS IN FULL COSTUME. SITS ON THE FLOOR.

**AVI** : (SIGHS) Well, that wasn't terrible.

**JOHANN** ENTERS.

**JOHANN** : Avi, I've been looking for you. The snack table is a war zone, but I managed to get you these. (PRODUCES TWO MUFFINS FROM HIS COSTUME)

**AVI** : Oh my god, thank you so much (TAKES A BIG BITE) (MOUTH FULL) I'm sta'vin'.

**JOHAN** : (LAUGHS) I figured. Hey, don't think too much about Davenport's comments, he's in an explosive mood tonight. Your performance was great.

**AVI** : (SWALLOWS) Thanks, but you don't have to lie to make me feel better. I did fuck up a lot of my lines.

**JOHANN** : So what? Everyone fucks up, it's a lot of shit to memorize. The audience won't notice.

**AVI** : Davenport noticed.

**JOHANN** : Because he watches the rehearsal with script in hand.

**AVI** : And you noticed.

**JOHANN** : Because I'm a Hamlet nerd.

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, I feel like I failed you. You went out of your way to teach me all these lines and I'm still barely passing as Horatio.

**JOHANN** : (SCOFFS) You kidding? You've come a long way since we started. You can finally say the t's like a normal person.

**AVI** : (PAUSE) I _am_ proud of those t's.

**JOHANN** : And you delivered your lines just fine.

**AVI** : (SMILES) Thank you, Johann.

PAUSE.

(SIGHS) I just wish I was as good at this as everyone else, you know? They all seem perfectly fitted for their characters, but I can't even deliver Horatio's most important line well.

**JOHANN** : You mean...

**AVI** : (STUTTERS) You know, when Hamlet dies.

**JOHANN** : Ah. Well. I think you've got the emotion of that pretty spot on, even if you did mess up the...

**AVI** : The entire ending, I know. (SIGHS LOUDLY AND LOOKS DOWN)

SILENCE.

**JOHANN** : Do you want to practice one more time?

**AVI** : I'd love to, but we close in less than ten minutes.

**JOHANN** : Not here. At my place.

**AVI** : (LOOKS UP) You mean your house?

**JOHANN** : Yeah. I mean, (EMBARRASSED) only if you want, of course. It's pretty late, so I understand if that's probably a bad idea.

**AVI** : No! I mean, yes! No to the bad idea, yes to doing it. I mean, let's do this.

**JOHANN** : Cool.

SILENCE.

**AVI** : So, uh, we should go?

**JOHANN** : Yes. Yeah, let's go.

**JOHANN** AND **AVI** EXIT.

ACT 5 SCENE 4

THE LIGHTS FLICKER ON. THE SCENE TAKES PLACE AT **JOHANN** 'S APARTMENT, A SMALL, CROWDED PLACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY. THE ONLY SEMBLANCE OF ORDER IS A SMALL SHELF AT THE END, WHERE A VIOLIN CASE SITS.

**JOHANN** AND **AVI** ENTER.

**JOHANN** : You can change in the bathroom, it's the second door to the left.

**AVI** : Thanks. (LOOKS AROUND) I don't know what I expected, but this place is very you.

**JOHANN** : Small and messy?

**AVI** : You said it, not me.

**JOHANN** LIGHTLY PUNCHES **AVI** 'S SIDE.

(LAUGHS) Sorry, sorry. I meant the books and the violin. How come I've never heard you play?

**JOHANN** : Maybe if you behave today I'll play something later. Now go change, or I'll go first, and Hamlet wears a lot of useless layers.

**AVI** : Fine, fine.

**AVI** EXITS.

**JOHANN** LEAVES HIS BAG ON THE COUCH AND SITS. GRABS A PILLOW AND SCREAMS.

**JOHANN** : (TAKING OFF THE PILLOW) Get it together, man.

**AVI** ENTERS IN HIS DAY CLOTHES.

**AVI** : All yours.

**JOHANN** : Thanks.

**JOHANN** EXITS.

**AVI** PACES AROUND.

**AVI** : Calm down, it's just another rehearsal. Nothing special about it.

PAUSE.

God, this place smells so much like him.

PAUSE.

Ugh, that's creepy. Stop being creepy.

**AVI** GRABS THE SCRIPT FROM HIS BACKPACK AND READS OUT LOUD.

_Now cracks a noble heart.--Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!-- Why does the drum come hither?_

PAUSE.

_What is it ye would see? If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search._

PAUSE.

**AVI** PUTS THE SCRIPT AWAY.

_Not from his mouth, had it th' ability of life to thank you. He never gave commandment for their death. But since so jump upon this bloody question, you from-_

**JOHANN** ENTERS IN HIS DAY CLOTHES.

**JOHANN** : Oh, sorry to interrupt.

**AVI** : Not at all! I was just going over my lines.

**JOHANN** : Go on, I'd like to hear the rest.

**AVI** : (BEAT) O-okay!

PAUSE.

_But since so jump upon this bloody question, you from the Polack wars, and you from England, are here arrived, give order that these bodies high on a stage be placèd to the view, and let me speak to th' yet-unknowing world how these things came about. So shall you hear- of carnal, bloody, and unnatural acts, of accidental judgments, casual slaughters, of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause, and, in this upshot, purposes mistook fall'n on th' inventors' heads. All this can I truly deliver._

PAUSE.

So, um, what do you think?

**JOHANN** : (APPLAUDS) It's perfect, I don't think I can say anything else about it.

**AVI** : (BREATHES OUT) Thanks. But I do seem to do a lot better when we're just reading from the script.

**JOHANN** : Maybe it's stage fright after all?

**AVI** : It's not that. When we're on the stage, I...

**AVI** LOOKS AT **JOHANN**.

Uh, you know what? It might be stage fright. I've never done this before, thought, I wouldn't know how it feels.

**JOHANN** : Do you get a feeling of air escaping your lungs?

**AVI** : No.

**JOHANN** : Tremors? Cold sweat?

**AVI** : Not really? I do sweat a lot, but it's from all the running and shouting.

**JOHANN** : (THINKS) Read from the beginning again?

**AVI** : Of the scene?

**JOHANN** : Just after Hamlet's death. I'll read my part along.

**AVI** : Alright.

**JOHANN** : _Heaven make thee free of it. I follow thee.-- I am dead, Horatio.--Wretched queen, adieu!-- You that look pale and tremble at this chance, that are but mutes or audience to this act, had I but time (as this fell sergeant, Death, is strict in his arrest), O, I could tell you-- but let it be.--Horatio, I am dead. Thou livest. Report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied._

**AVI** : _Never believe it. I am more an antique Roman than a Dane. Here's yet some liquor left._

**JOHANN** : _As thou'rt a man, give me the cup. Let go! By heaven, I'll have 't. O God, Horatio, what a wounded name, things standing thus unknown, shall live behind me! If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart absent thee from felicity a while, and in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain to tell my story._

PAUSE.

_What warlike noise is this?_

**AVI** : (PAUSE) Oh! Should I read-?

**JOHANN** : No, don't worry. (READS) _Young Fortinbras, with conquest come from Poland, to th' ambassadors of England gives This warlike volley._

PAUSE.

_O, I die, Horatio. The potent poison quite o'ercrows my spirit. I cannot live to hear the news from England. But I do prophesy the election lights on Fortinbras. He has my dying voice. So tell him, with th' occurrents, more and less, hich have solicited. The rest is silence. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh._

**AVI** : _Now cracks a noble heart.--Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!-- Why does the drum come hither?_

**JOHANN** : Let's leave it here for now. I don't think there's much more we can do like this.

**AVI** : Maybe we could switch roles? It always makes me feel better going back to Horatio after Hamlet.

**JOHANN** : No, I have a theory of what could be happening. Put your bag and script away.

**AVI** DOES AS TOLD.

**AVI** : Now what? Do we start again, or-

**JOHANN** : _Heaven make thee free of it. I follow thee._ ( **JOHANN** TAKES A STEP FORWARD) _\--I am dead, Horatio.--Wretched queen, adieu!-- You that look pale and tremble at this chance, that are but mutes or audience to this act, had I but time (as this fell sergeant, Death, is strict in his arrest), O, I could tell you--_

**JOHANN** HOLDS **AVI**.

**AVI** : W-what are you-?

**JOHANN** : Follow the script.

**AVI** : Okay.

**JOHANN** : _But let it be.--Horatio, I am dead. Thou livest. Report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied._

**AVI** : (HOLDS **JOHANN** ) _N-never believe it. I am more an antique Roman than a Dane. Here's yet some liquor left._

**JOHANN** : _As thou'rt a man, give me the cup. Let go! By heaven, I'll have 't. O God, Horatio, what a wounded name, things standing thus unknown, shall live behind me! If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart absent thee from felicity a while, and in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain to tell my story._

**JOHANN** FALLS TO THE FLOOR WITH **AVI** STILL HOLDING HIM.

(REACHES FOR **AVI** 'S FACE) _O, I die, Horatio. The potent poison quite o'ercrows my spirit. I cannot live to hear the news from England. But I do prophesy the election lights on Fortinbras. He has my dying voice. So tell him, with th' occurrents, more and less, hich have solicited. The rest is silence. Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh._ (CLOSES HIS EYES)

**AVI** : (BREATHES IN) _Now cracks a noble heart._

PAUSE.

(REACHES FOR **JOHANN** 'S FACE) _\--Good night, sweet prince..._

**AVI** KISSES **JOHANN**.

THEY HOLD EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT.

**AVI** : (PULLS AWAY) ...

**JOHANN** : (OPEN HIS EYES) ...

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) Um, so yeah.

**JOHANN** : I know.

**AVI** : And you're... cool with this?

**JOHANN** : Yeah.

**AVI** : Cool! Cool.

THEY BOTH LAUGH.

**AVI** : (COVERS HIS FACE) Oh my god! I can't believe it worked. That scene was killing me.

**JOHANN** : It's very homoerotic.

**AVI** : Yeah! But at least I got it all out now. We probably couldn't get away with that during opening night.

**JOHANN** : No, but it's what Shakespeare would've wanted.

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) Yeah.

PAUSE.

**AVI** : Is it a good moment to confess I only auditioned because of you?

**JOHANN** : I know.

**AVI** : Oh! And, um, the whole Shakespeare expert thing-

**JOHANN** : All bullshit?

**AVI** : Yep.

**JOHANN** : You were a terrible actor.

**AVI** : (LAUGHS) And now?

**JOHANN** : You're passable, thanks to me.

**AVI** : I can live with that.

THEY KISS AGAIN.

* * *

The performance was a success. The best rendition of Hamlet Avi had ever seen. It was also the only one, and he was part of it, so he might've been a little biased, but he figured, after all the hard work, he deserved a little pride.

Everyone seemed to think the same. Smiles abounded at the theatre even way after the show was over. Actors talked amongst each other, or with the loved ones that had come that day to see them. They took pictures, cracked jokes, or salvaged what was left of the snack table. Magnus even got flowers from his wife. He seemed very happy.

"Everyone, get in line for a picture!" Lucretia said.

"Wait, I already took off my makeup!"

"I think Kraviz is in the bathroom."

"Has anyone seen my kids?"

"What? I thought Taako was in the bathroom."

"Can it wait after I finish my sandwich?"

Lucretia sighed. "Mr. Davenport, could you call everyone to the stage?"

"Nope," he said. "I'm not your director anymore. You guys are ready to soar without me now."

"We still have four weeks of performances ahead."

"I'll do it," Killian said. "I was already on my way to the microphone to call for Merle's children."

"Dad, I'm here," a little Dwarf girl signaled from the snack table. Wait, was she little, or just short?

"Mavis! Thank god," Merle said, running to her. "You almost gave me a heart attack, kiddo. Where's Mookie?"

"He's somewhere around here. Oh, but he's not answering to that name anymore."

"And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"OUCH!" Johann screamed from the other end of the backstage. "What the f-?!"

"This is for my father!" A little Dwarf boy yelled, holding a rapier and stabbing Johann's legs. "I am Laertes! The son of the father you killed!"

Johann kept trying to walk away from the kid, who was surprisingly fast for his short legs. "Magnus, why did you give your rapier to a kid?!"

"He said it was for revenge!" Magnus yelled, still smiling like a happy fool. "You should know about that, Hamlet!"

"A ha!" Mookie exclaimed. "I knew it was you!"

"I'm not Hamlet! Merle, come get your kid!"

Merle had a little difficulty getting there, mostly because he was laughing so hard, so Avi took it upon himself to separate the dramatic battle taking place in their backstage. With some effort, he managed to take the plastic rapier from Mookie's hand.

"Come on, Laertes, you know how this play ends. Say sorry to Hamlet and make amends before you both die."

Mookie pouted at Avi, but he held his stance. In the end, the kid accepted his new fate and extended his hand. "Sorry for poisoning you."

Johann looked at Avi, clearly not in the mood to do this. But Avi was firm.

"I'm sorry I killed your dad."

They shook hands. Tragedy averted.

Merle chose just that moment to grab Mookie and take him to the snack table. “Alright, enough stabbing for today.”

Once they were alone, Johann walked up to Avi, smiling. "Thanks for saving me, Horatio."

"Anything for you, my lord."

Johann shoved him. "Don't say that."

"What?" Avi laughed. "You started it."

"It's not the same and you know it."

"Should I call you 'my prince' instead?"

Johann scoffed. "You're a child."

The intercom system turned on, cutting any witty retort Avi had. " _Attention, all actors, please come to the stage for a group picture_ ," Killian's voice said from the speakers.

"After you, my prince," Avi said.

Johann didn't say anything, but the blush on his face told Avi all he wanted to know.

After the fifteen minutes it took to get everyone on the stage, and another ten to finally take a picture everyone liked, they all moved to the pizza restaurant two blocks away for a deserved feast. Avi could barely hear what anyone was saying over the big table, but he laughed at every joke.

"What did he say?" Johann asked, mouth full of pizza.

"I have no idea!" Avi said in the middle of a laughing fit.

"I said!" Barry yelled, "make them _blue_ , not _yellow_!"

Avi had another laughing fit.

"Yeah, I don't think I get it," Johann said.

"I'll tell you the story later," Avi managed to say when he finally calmed down. "Whew, I laughed too much. Can you pass the soda?"

"Here." Johann reached for the soda bottle and handed it to Avi. Their hands touched for a second, and they both looked up, lost in the moment and each other’s eyes.

"Wait a minute."

Johann and Avi froze. Davenport was looking straight at them.

"... Oh, you gotta be kidding me!" He said.

Everyone at the table started laughing. Johann's face turned red. Avi tried to sink in his chair.

"Am I the last person to know about this?" Davenport asked.

"Yes," everyone on the table replied.

Avi covered his face with both hands. "Oh my god."

"Took you guys long enough!" Carey said.

"You have no idea," Killian said.

The laughs didn't stop, and eventually Avi and Johann themselves joined in. They laughed until everyone went home.

CURTAIN


End file.
